Talking politics over turkey: A survival guide

CEDAR RAPIDS - At least conversation this Thanksgiving won't be stale.

The traditional family dinner on Thursday comes weeks after one of the most grueling election seasons in recent history - a heated battle that just may come up at the table.

If your family starts taking political sides along with their green bean casserole and sweet potatoes, refer to these tips - from people who help resolve family conflicts for a living:

l Recognize an unproductive conversation - and remember who's listening

'If you have that braggadocios uncle who voted for Trump and he's gloating about it, I would say, ‘Yeah, that was a crazy election,' said Brandon Wall, of the Counseling Center of Iowa City. 'And redirect to football.”

Wall recommends pivoting if things get personal between you and your uncle - or your Clinton-loving cousin - especially if children are around.

'What's the point?” Wall said. 'I think you're a jerk, you think I'm a jerk, and now we just taught our kids how to be jerks to each other.”

That's not to say political conversations altogether should be avoided.

'You can continue a conversation if you can approach it with compassion,” said Jennifer Gage, of the Cedar Rapids Relationship Center. 'If all you can do is approach it with defensiveness, then you need to take a step back.”

l Choose your opponents wisely

Tone down the rhetoric if you're having dinner with your in-laws, Wall said, to avoid accidentally offending your spouse.

'My wife handles my wife's family, and I handle my family,” he said. 'It's not my job as a husband to tear down my brother-in-law or mother-in-law. That's just rude. ... Indirectly or inadvertently, by attacking them, I'm attacking her.”

Duking it out with your own blood relatives? That can be safer, but Wall recommends proceeding with caution.

'Look, I'm not going to talk about politics if I think I'm going to lose the relationship over it,” he said. 'You're more important to me than who got elected or not.”

l Detach the political ideologies you hate from the family members you love.

Try to remember a political opinion is, in the end, an opinion.

'And their opinion doesn't matter one whip, to be honest,” Wall said. 'Just because we disagree with each other, it doesn't mean we don't love each other.”

And while it might be difficult to stomach your grandmother's anti-abortion stance or your sister's dedication to Black Lives Matter, Gage said approaching a conversation with compassion - for the person, if not his or her ideals - can make a big difference.

Sometimes.

'You can go in with all the compassion in the world, and if you have someone who comes in fighting, it's really hard to keep up with the compassion,” Gage said. 'Sometimes you do just have to agree to disagree. Sometimes you can't have political conversations at Thanksgiving dinner.”

l Take a timeout, but don't make it weird

If you're emotionally attached to your political ideas - and Gage said many of us are - it's OK to take a break.

'It's really easy to take things personally and be offended,” she said, especially when you add family history to the mix.

Going back home often leads to a return to old patterns, she said, so a brother's criticism can stir decades-old sibling rivalries.

'It's important to remember when we're talking to family that what they have to say is more about them than it is about you,” Gage said. 'In reality, people are just trying to make themselves feel better. They're not deliberately trying to hurt us.”

Wall said taking a timeout is 'always better than blowing up.”

'Or very gently saying, ‘I know we have difficulties, but our family is more important, and I'm wondering if we could talk about something else?' ” he said. 'But I would use that as a last resort because that just becomes awkward.”

l Remember: You can apologize without admitting defeat

If your political jabs lead to hurt feelings, say you're sorry. Seriously, don't ruin dessert for everyone else.

You don't have to apologize for your political stance, Wall said, but you should apologize if you end up causing someone pain.

'Saying ‘I'm sorry that I caused hurt' doesn't mean I have to agree with them,” he said. 'It just means my intention wasn't to hurt you, my intention wasn't to come out and make you feel like a horrible person.

'If that was my intention, I need to grow up.”

l Comments: (319) 398-8330; molly.duffy@thegazette.com