Staff Columnist

At the Statehouse, libs have driven the Iowa GOP mad

The Iowa State Capitol building is seen after short snow storm the day after the caucuses in Des Moines on Tuesday, Feb.
The Iowa State Capitol building is seen after short snow storm the day after the caucuses in Des Moines on Tuesday, Feb. 2, 2016. (Andy Abeyta/The Gazette)

It seems, under the Golden Dome of Wisdom, Republicans who run the show have allowed the libs to drive them mad. That gave me an idea.

Legislative mad libs. I’ve even filled in some suggestions.

No need to thank me. Here we go.

DES MOINES — Republicans who control the Iowa Legislature are pursuing legislation that would target (university professors, transgender kids, low-income renters, women, public schools, teachers, early voters, older Iowans, disabled people, people receiving state help amid a pandemic and the entire city of Des Moines) by (banning, prohibiting, defunding, suppressing, shortening, tracking, hobbling, chilling or chopping) the way those Iowans (vote, teach, work, learn, love, live, vote and think.)

“This bill is long overdue,” said (insert name of Republican lawmaker). “Clearly, based on (delusions, conspiracy theories, quack science, vaccine myths, the big lie, sketchy anecdotes, misstatement of facts or a burning desire for political revenge), it is badly needed.

Public comments during a subcommittee hearing on the bill were overwhelmingly in opposition.

“This is an incredibly (bad, misguided, mean-spirited, spiteful, ill-conceived, breathtakingly cruel) piece of legislation,” said (insert name of flabbergasted Iowan). “For many Iowans, this bill will mean (discrimination, homelessness, disenfranchisement, insolvency, serious illness, loss of privacy, loss of appetite, night terrors, dry mouth or fits of loud cursing). You really should rethink this.”

Only (one, two, maybe three) groups (the Family Leader, the Iowa Farm Bureau, Opportunity Solutions Project) support the measure.

“This is the (dirty water, curtailed civil rights, voter suppression) Iowans truly need,” said (insert senior fellow, executive director or vice president for government relations).

“This approach has been tried with great success in (Wisconsin, Kansas, South Dakota, Alabama),” said (insert the name of a fellow from a national conservative think tank, funded by a conservative nonprofit, funded by some very rich guys). “It’s a sure bet to work here. Soon, Iowans will have the freedom to (give up on casting a ballot, lose basic rights, leave universities, buy bootstraps or live under a bridge).

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GOP lawmakers say the bill will bring much needed uniformity by (making the entire Iowa political map red), unleash new efficiencies through (laws requiring everyone to agree with them or shut up) and stamp out (rampant fraud and facts).

Despite testimony about the bill’s dire consequences from opponents, lawmakers contend the real victims are (canceled conservatives, lawmakers criticized in the media, politicians who can’t tweet baseless nonsense) who are being persecuted by (Big Tech, the media, campus liberals and Pulitzer-prize-winning journalists).

“We will not stand by while (radical socialists, history teachers, racial justice protesters, rogue auditors and grade-school leftists) take over our state,” said (insert name of outraged Republican lawmaker), choking back tears. “We may control the governor’s office, the House, Senate and the courts, and we may win all the elections here now, but we have no voice.”

The bill is moving on a (fast, superfast, blinding-fast, warp-speed) track at the Statehouse, despite its massive implications and a pandemic that’s hampering public participation in the process. Opponents pleaded with lawmakers to slow down, prompting Republicans to (chuckle, guffaw, laugh maniacally like super-villains).

The measure could be on Gov. Kim Reynolds’ desk any minute now.

“I don’t comment on bills until (I’ve received them, I’ve signed them late on Friday afternoons or when the coast is clear),” Reynolds said. “We’ll take a good, hard look at it, just like the COVID-19 data.”

Reynolds also was asked about the state’s declining population.

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com

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