Vowing to not fail this holiday

Ah, Valentine's Day. The wait is over.

It probably goes without saying, but for a middle-aged Midwestern man, there's no better holiday. We cherish any chance to show deep, passionate feelings of love, and to reflect those strong emotions through poetry, song and, of course, thoughtful, appropriate gestures and gifts. Or, maybe we go with the heart-shaped pizza.

Truth is, my conversation heart would read 'You Fail.”

The best I can do is take my romantic cues from our popular culture. I've noticed in many a movie and fine sitcom that the best, most romantic thing a long-married couple can do is renew their marriage vows. What? Just be glad I'm not taking my cues from 'Celebrity Wife Swap.”

So I've decided to celebrate this day of love by updating my marriage vows. Of course, now that I'm a seasoned spouse, I feel the need to revise those words I uttered years ago to reflect expanded marital knowledge.

So here goes. Better grab a tissue.

I, Todd, take you, Katherine, to be my wife.

To have and to hold, from this day forward.

To refrain from having, holding or hassling too early in the morning, before you've had a chance to wake up, or drink coffee, or reach the blessed point when you no longer want to punch my stupid chatty face.

To respectfully refrain from all having or holding when you're just trying to get some things done, for a change, or want to be left alone, for once, or don't need 'help” from some know-it-all, again.

To hold a laundry hamper, and carry it to a laundry room.

To hold a tool, and put up the blinds we bought six months ago.

To hold a dirty dish, and put it in the dishwasher.

To hold my tongue when I'm tempted to dispense great wisdom after you've made a small mistake.

To have a better grasp of how insufferable I can be.

To have wine on hand. Always.

For better or worse.

For worse or utter fiasco.

For richer or poorer.

For poorer or insolvent.

For balanced or indebted.

For clean-ish or squalor.

For on-time or frantic.

For free time or scheduled.

For attentive or phone-engrossed.

For 'you always” or 'you never.”

For wrongness or 'I told you so.”

For decisiveness or 'I don't care.”

For chicken or more chicken.

For cooperative kids or immovable objects.

For grand ambition or lowered expectations.

For permanently fixed or good enough for now.

For mowed or weedy.

For shoveled or slick.

For fitness and sloth.

For honest or too honest.

In sickness and in health.

But not necessarily in sickness that requires some sort of heavy cleanup.

In oversharing and in prudent silence.

In compliment and in expletive.

On Facebook and in private.

In smugness and in contrition.

To love and to cherish.

To laugh and to embarrass.

To confound and to exasperate.

To comfort and to infuriate.

Until we are parted by death,

Or by obsessive, ceaseless watching of televised sporting events, or by the ridiculous cost of NFL Sunday Ticket, or by seven Saturdays of season football tickets, or by snoring, or woefully unequal division of chores, or by the annoying sound of my voice prattling on about one inane topic after another, or by the very last (beeping) straw.

This is my solemn vow. Or at least it's good enough for now.

Love you, sweetie. Yep, I'll shut up now.

l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com