’Twas the night before Christmas

’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the home

Amazon boxes in piles, like some loading zone.

The stockings were hung by the chimney, so dandy.

We filled them all up with Halloween candy.

The children aren’t nestled or snug in their beds;

With two pairs of Air Pods stuck in their heads.

The wife and I in our castle suburban

Had just spiked our eggnogs with plenty of bourbon.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter

“Porch pirates!” I yelled as my eggnog did splatter.

Away to the front door I flew like a flash

Ran into the storm door and fell with a crash.

The moon shown so dim on our snowless brown lawn

Tripped on LED lights and tore a bunch of them down.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear

But a very large drone, whirring by me quite near.

Who was the pilot, so lively and quick?

One thing I did know, it can’t be St. Nick.

Its rotors they spawned a high hurricane breeze

Just like a derecho bending the trees.

More rapid than eagles the drone did arrive.

It can’t be the Air Force, ’cause I’m still alive.

To the top of the porch! Through the landscaping bushes

It moved left and right with a series of whooshes.

So up to the housetop the drone rapidly flew

With a large bag of boxes, but not St. Nicholas, too.

But then on the roof, amid all of the pathos

A large loudspeaker blared the voice of Jeff Bezos.

(Hey. you try to rhyme “Bezos.”)

As I drew my head and was turning around

Jeff Bezos explained why this drone’s in my town.

“Santa’s got COVID, he’s awfully sick.

“So we moved fast to help, and took over quick.

“Santa eats too much candy, and we know he’s a smoker

“And to tell you the truth, he’s sort of a porker.

“His cheeks are like roses. His nose like a cherry.

“Which lets us all know he’s been into the sherry.

“Signs of his aging are easy to show.

“The beard on his chin is as white as the snow.

“A sleigh is no way to bring joy to the masses.

“His reindeer emit nasty climate change gasses.

“We’ve changed his whole shop, now powered by solar.

“We’ve moved down to Austin, where weather’s less polar.

“Santa will work as CEO of good cheer.

“But make no mistake, I’m the boss around here.”

Oh, no! No Santa? What have we done?

Clicking and clicking on gifts by the ton?

The drone dumped its load. Bezos let out a whistle

And away the drone flew like a patriot missile.

But I heard him exclaim as he whooshed in a climb.

“Don’t leave your homes. Shop Amazon Prime!”

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com