The Week — Bags, summits and lugs

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JONI'S BREAD BAGS SPARK DEEP REFLECTION

No doubt you've heard word of how U.S. Sen. Joni Ernst's famous, humble bread bags sparked a national sensation. Crusty jokes. Crumby one-liners. Rye humor. OK, I'll stop.

Here are her fateful words from Tuesday's response to President Barack Obama's State O' the Union:

'We were raised to live simply, not to waste. It was a lesson my mother taught me every rainy morning.

'You see, growing up, I had only one good pair of shoes. So on rainy school days, my mom would slip plastic bread bags over them to keep them dry.

'But I was never embarrassed. Because the school bus would be filled with rows and rows of young Iowans with bread bags slipped over their feet.

'Our parents may not have had much, but they worked hard for what they did have.”

Aside from launching a million online yuks, Ernst words sent thousands of Iowans of a certain middle age into deep thought over one critical question.

Wait, did I ever wear bread bags?

Ernst was born about six weeks before me. So while she was riding a bus in rural Red Oak, I was riding a bus in rural Belmond. But was I ever wearing bread bags?

I have to say no, not in the way Ernst describes. On occasion, when an aging pair of moon boots (awesome!) began leaking, a young bobsledder or arctic explorer might slip bread bags over his feet, inside his boots, to keep his socks dry. Wet socks were a disaster. See: 'To Build a Fire.”

I have vague recollections of girls, on select days such as a Christmas concert or other dress-up occasion, wearing bread bags over their dress-up shoes. I do not, however, have any memory of busloads of bag-wearers. But it's possible I was too busy playing Mattel electronic football to notice.

Ernst's story is, of course, intended to show us how humble her beginnings truly were. It's well known that rich, lazy and government-dependent people are notorious for wantonly mistreating and discarding footwear on a whim, some while on their way to buy lobster with SNAP cards. That's why you see so many shoes on or near our roadways. A lack of common sense values.

And homespun is smart politics in these inauthentic times.

If I were ever elected to high office, in the wake of a meteorite strike, rapture or other event that wiped out much of the thinking electorate, I think I'd tell the story of those simple patches my mom ironed on my Toughskins to stretch our clothing dollar. Or maybe the mod mid to late 60s hand-me-downs I wore in the mid to late 1970s. That's what happens when your only sibling is nine years older.

I was deprived of being fashion-forward, and yet, I still worked my way up to the lower middle.

Then there was the sad, sad day my momma had me wear a turtleneck dickey. We just couldn't afford a whole turtleneck, as far as you know. I was so distraught that I could barely eat my off-brand Pop Tart.

But I've persevered. I've endured. And may all your bread bags be filled with hope for America.

AIN'T NO SUMMIT LONG ENOUGH

It's officially summit season in Caucuslandia. Sort of like bikini season, but without swimsuits, sunshine, warmth, laughter, fun, etc. And the only waxing is waxing nostalgic for a time when all was right with America. You know, just before January 2009. We all know what happened then.

Much, much has been written about U.S. Rep. Steve King's 'Iowa Freedom Summit” on Saturday, co-sponsored by your friends at Citizens United. When you think of endless, pointless, fact-free, nasty TV ads funded by virtually unlimited piles of campaign cash, drowning out all hope for substance, real debate and solutions, think Citizens United.

But none of the pieces I've read about this first caucus cattle call of presidential toe-dippers has delved into the critical question of whether seven hours of political speeches can really be considered 'freedom.” I suppose 'Iowa Punishment Summit” is less catchy. Nevertheless, it will be an early, key and critical test of caucus … blah, blah, blah.

Actually, my short attention span was drawn to the announcement this week of another summit:

The 2016 hopefuls from both the Republican and Democratic parties are invited to the first Iowa Agriculture Summit March 7 that will provide a forum for them to discuss issues of vital importance to the Iowa and national economies.

Although the state becomes an epicenter of American politics every four years, there hasn't been a forum 'solely dedicated to matters that directly affect Iowa farmers who feed and fuel not just the country, but the world,” Iowa businessman and Board of Regents President Bruce Rastetter said in announcing the summit.

'One of the areas that a number of us has discussed around the caucuses is there is no forum to talk about agriculture” Rastetter said.

March 7, y'all. Mark your calendars.

Rastetter, in addition to being a businessman and highest exalted regent, is a generous and reliable donor to Republican candidates, causes and organizations. For example, Rastetter reportedly provided seed money to help kick-start the American Future Fund, a conservative group that has spent considerable money on various campaigns and issues across the nation. How much did he give? Good question. AFF doesn't have to disclose its donors. Thanks, tax code.

AFF was founded by Nick Ryan, a veteran Iowa GOP activist and strategist who managed Jim Nussle's 2006 campaign for governor.

AFF spent $29 million during the 2012 election cycle, according to the Center for Public Integrity, including $19 million on efforts to defeat President Barack Obama. The group was less active in 2014, spending just over $3 million, all of it to oppose Democrats and support Republicans.

The Iowa Agriculture Summit is being produced by Concordia Group LLC, which is Ryan's public affairs consulting firm. Among the summit's sponsors so far is Summit Group, the umbrella that covers Rastetter's considerable agribusiness ventures. According to OpenSecrets.org, Summit Group donated $20,000 to American Future Fund during the 2014 cycle.

So you have to wonder whether any of the invited Democrats will take up Rastetter's invitation to converse with him on the great agriculture issues of the day. If they do, perhaps their appearances can be filmed in grainy, black-and-white, slow motion video. That would be a real timesaver for American Future Fund when it prepares and launches attack ads.

It's probably more likely that some or many GOP hopefuls will show up. After all, it will be New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie's first chance to wear the sweet 'Gestate in a Crate!” T-shirt he got from Gov. Terry Branstad.

CHET! CHET! CHET! CHET?

Is the Big Lug back?

Indeed, the Register's Kathie Obradovich says former Gov. Chester J. Culver is eyeing a run for Congress, possibly in 2016:

What may surprise some Iowans is he's not just eyeing the 3rd Congressional District, where he currently lives in Des Moines. Culver, a Democrat, is also weighing the possibility of running in the 1st Congressional District.

'Well, you know, we do have family roots in Cedar Rapids and McGregor, and I spent a lot of time as a kid in northeast Iowa,” Culver said in an interview. His father, former U.S. Sen. John Culver, grew up in Cedar Rapids and was elected to Congress from there in 1964.

In addition to family history, Culver also pointed to a more recent connection he has with the 1st District: His work as governor toward recovering from the 2008 floods. His jobs and infrastructure program, I-JOBS, put nearly $500 million into flood recovery, he said.

It's been four years since Culver was bounced from Terrace Hill by Gov. Branstad. The state was being smacked around by a deep recession and Culver's administration was beset by head-scratching management foibles that, in the end, added up to death by a thousand cuts. But Culver did get to participate in a traffic chase and bust in his official SUV, so that's cool.

Culver won just eight counties in his 2010 loss. On the plus side, three of them are major counties in the 1st District, Linn, Black Hawk and Dubuque. On the minus side, he beat Branstad in those counties by just 5,635 votes combined, including a 753-vote landslide in Dubuque County.

But, hey, that's a lot better than the 3rd District, were Culver won zero counties in 2010.

If Culver runs east, we'll see quite a battle to settle which Democrat is truly the floodiest. Cedar Rapids City Council member Monica Vernon already has declared her candidacy for the 1st District nomination, and will no doubt tout her own role in Cedar Rapids' flood recovery. Culver is the father of the city's I-JOBS feast, with big bites for numerous major recovery projects, and he made dozens of trips to the region as governor during flood and its long aftermath. Chopper rides, an official gubernatorial crisis bomber jacket, the whole shootin' works.

So whose boots on the ground were the muckiest? Whose fateful decisions were the most fatefulest? Who contributed the most 'sweat equity” to our recovery?

OK, it's Culver, hands down, on that last one.