The Empty Chair Takes a Stand

So the phone rings first thing Monday morning. I answer, reluctantly.

Hey. This is Todd.

“Yeah, hi. I've got a problem with these so-called ‘empty chair' debates. Candidates ‘debate' an empty chair, because their opponent refuses to show. But it's a sham, let me tell you.”

So you're unhappy about the gimmickry?

“No, I'm upset because I'm the empty chair.”

Oh boy. This is the last time I ignore an expiration date on a breakfast burrito.

“Yeah, I just sit there like some sort of prop. It's supposed to be a debate, but nobody asks me anything. It's unfair and demeaning. I've got strong stands on the issues.”

Stands. Good one.

“Oh, two-legs is making a funny. Chairs are important. Why don't you try going a day without sitting down, pal? Just try it. You'll be begging for a nice comfy seat.”

Point taken. So what are your issues, Mr. Chair?

“Well, of course, all chairs are acutely aware of the obesity epidemic. We're creaking under the weight of this lethargic society. I've seen a lot of good chairs go down ... I actually don't like to talk about ...”

I can imagine.

“I'm in favor of health chair reform, with universal access to waiting room chairs, dentist chairs, gurneys, etc. Uncomfortable school desks are hurting student achievement, but the desks' strong union makes it impossible to get any removed. The real problem on Wall Street is that those traders don't sit down and reflect. And don't get me started on all the cheap, imported chairs taking jobs from well-made American chairs. We need IKEA reform, now.”

Wow. I had no idea chairs were so politically active.

“Of course. The House and Senate are filled with seats. Ditto the Supreme Court. And, of course, we have a chair in the Oval Office. She's the leader of the free chairs.”

She? Wow. Progressive.

“Well, sure, but chairs don't always agree. Strictly constructed chairs are agitating about activist chairs in our courts. Lawn furniture is demanding action on global warming, but Rush Limbaugh's chair says it's all a socialist hoax. Aluminum folding chairs won't even talk to canvass folding chairs. Executive wingbacks are at odds with workbenches. Bar stools hate booths. Church pews want nothing to do with love seats. And there's a lot of complaining about the recliners, how they just sit on their fat cushions all day.”

I have to say, I'm impressed. You're no empty chair.

“Thanks. Oh, and your office chair suggests you get a little more exercise.”