Thanksgiving 2016, a Trumpkey with all the trimmings

It's Thanksgiving Day, and somehow you forgot to plan a delicious dinner for kith and kin. Don't worry, I've got you covered.

Here's a menu that captures the true spirit of 2016. You're welcome.

Roast Trumpkey

1 45-pound turkey, giblets grabbed.

For the brine:

3 cups kosher salt, loudly kvetched

One gaping jaw of polling wrongness, coarsely parsed.

One cup of stunned liberal, elitely minced.

Two How-About-Them-Apples, cored and quartered.

An herb bouquet de Christie.

Eight quarts of water, preferably California Scarce or Chinese Hoax.

For the stuffing:

A trail of breadcrumbs, preferably Russian rye.

Major newspapers, torn into strips, shredded and crumpled

Two tablespoons of sage punditry, muddled and crushed.

Two cups of very rich stock, sodium and tax-free.

Two yolks, on you.

Directions: Brine your Trumpkey overnight while tweeting incessantly about its progress. Remove from the brine, discard Christie. Rinse with the tears of anguished celebrities and wall off the cavity with stuffing. Roast the (beep) out of it, until great.

Fake News Cranberry Relish

2 cups of any berries except cranberries.

Two cups of granulated sucker.

A media of navel oranges, fully gazed.

A dupe of grating nut-jobs, for garnish.

Bring ingredients to a simmer over medium heat until unbelievably easy to swallow. Serve as you would actual cranberries, but in falsely equivalent servings. Post on Facebook. Unfriend.

Suck it Up Butternut Squash

One large butternut squash, mocked into one-inch dice.

One cup of raw opportunism, chopped.

Six tablespoons of 'I Can't Believe I Have to Listen to People I Disagree With,” melted.

Three tablespoons of pure Maple Malarkey.

Bake the squash at 375 degrees, or bask under a media spotlight. Saute opportunism until totally transparent. Mix melted spread and Maple Malarkey until fully frothed. Toss together ingredients and serve to 'hysterical” guests. Duck.

Iowa Democrats Smashed Potatoes

One lonely Loebsack of potatoes.

Two cups of Statehouse stock, heavily reduced.

A Patty of D.C. butting in, thoroughly melted.

One large ‘stache of Republican cash.

A wishful dollop of down-ballot Trump effect, soured, creamed.

Red state hives, for garnish.

Slice, dice and boil potatoes. Cook in a flower pot on a heated sidewalk. Stick in a fork to check for doneness. Yep, they're done. Mix with other ingredients until fully whipped.

Clinton Corn Casserole

Eight ears of Florida corn, totally shucked.

Two cups of Pennsylvania ham, smoked.

A half-pound of Wisconsin cheddar, shredded.

Two Michigan eggs, beaten.

Six strips of Iowa bacon, fried and crushed to bits.

Combine corn and other ingredients in a glass ceiling casserole. Bake until dish reaches 230, but not 270. Never 270. Serve with flat Champagne or a pint of scotch.

Alt-Right Strudel

Six cups of very white flour.

Three Stukas of butter, Blitzkrieg-ed.

A grand wizard of rapid rise yeast.

A half-pound of ripe Lugenpresse, sliced with long knives.

Two Quislings of superfine, super-race sugar.

Two hearty heils each of cinnamon, nutmeg, despair and fear.

Hate, for garnish.

Combine ingredients and twist into a braided pattern we're apparently doomed to repeat again and again. Bake until we come to our senses. Toss onto history's scrap heap.

l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com