Take my advice, Class of 2013, and then do the opposite

Thank you for that kind introduction.

I'm honored and humbled to have been invited to speak to you, the graduating class of 2013 here at the Iowa Institute for Reverse Psychology. I think reverse psychology is a very important but little understood and appreciated discipline. And it's so thoughtful that you've bestowed on me this honorary doctorate in reverse psychology. I will treasure it.

And I hope to put it to good use today as I give you a little advice on navigating the real world.

APATHY IS OK

First, don't get involved in your community. You're going to be very busy and really tired, so the last thing you need to do is pitch in on some worthwhile effort or important cause. Somebody else is probably going to do it. Problems will probably get solved, and if they don't, it most likely won't affect you anyway. As far as you know.

Skip running for office. You don't have the connections or bucks to do it anyway. And chances are nobody's going to listen to your good ideas. You're just one person against the massive, glacial gears of government. What can you do? Nothing, that's what. It's really best to leave this stuff to the strategists, consultants and lobbyists, the big donors and professional politicos. They're already doing a bang-up job. Stay out of the way.

Voting is also overrated. After all, we have lots of pollsters and pundits to tell us who is going to win. That saves us loads of time that we might otherwise waste digging into candidates' positions on issues. The political media has painstakingly built its campaign narratives to make things simple and entertaining. Admire them, and their snarky tweets.

Don't let anyone tell you that apathy is not OK. You tell them that the government doesn't have any real power anyway. Unless you're in a Tea Party group, or work for the Associated Press or happen to be one of the very few people in this country who use phones and computers, you've got absolutely nothing to fear. The Justice Department has got this.

Give up on your local newspaper. If it goes away, no biggie. Rest assured that, any day now, a legion of unpaid bloggers will march into town to begin closely watching your city council, courts, county government and other important institutions.

COMPLAIN A LOT

So don't get involved. But do complain.

Complain incessantly. Always, always use ALL CAPS and lots of !!!! to give your well-crafted arguments more gravity and intellectual oomph. Lambaste, dismiss, repeat.

Make snap judgments before you get weighed down by all the facts.

Never challenge your own assumptions. They're yours, and nobody is going to take them away. Steer clear of anyone who might. And if you accidentally come across an argument that threatens to transform your worldview, quickly find someone or something that will confirm it again. That's why we have Google and cable news.

Ideals are for the uninformed. Ditto with optimism. Things have never been worse than they are right now, thanks entirely to the people with whom you disagree. We're totally screwed. So self-interest is entirely appropriate.

Don't root for underdogs. They usually lose.

Dance like everyone is watching and thinks you look stupid. Drive like you're the only vehicle in North America. Eat like you're a Saharan marathoner. And please post pictures of all your meals on Facebook.

Live like you're afraid the pharmaceutical industry might go out of business without you. And if this speech lasts longer than four hours, please call a doctor.

And do me a favor, check your email and text while I'm speaking to you. Thanks.

So bad luck, Class of 2013. May all your epic fails go viral.