Studies - SpongeBob, Mondays Plague our Society

Two studies jolted our comfy complacency to its core today.

The first bolt hit the journal “Pediatrics,” where a new study concludes that exposing 4-year-olds to even small doses of SpongeBob SquarePants can suck the smarts out of their little noggins like an animated Dyson.

Somewhere, Squidward Tentacles is saying a big fat I told you so.

The second was a survey conducted by the makers of a drug called “Flomax Relief.” It found that, on average, 2,000 people surveyed complain about Monday each Monday for 34 minutes, compared to 22 minutes of griping on other days.

I see two clear connections.

First, it's apparent that adults should watch SpongeBob SquarePants first thing every Monday morning. All traces of gloom and anxiety will drain from our weary craniums, along with everything else. Ignorance is bliss.

Second, while we're standing around complaining, our kids are getting massive doses of SpongeBob SquarePants.

The SpongeBob study at the University of Virginia involved 60 4-year-old kids split into three groups, one that watched the popular Nickelodeon cartoon for nine minutes, one that watched PBS' “Caillou,” about a sort of whiny, hairless Canadian boy, and a third that spent time drawing.

Then they assessed the kids' “executive functions,” attention, working memory, problem solving and delay of gratification. The SpongeBobs scored much lower than the others.

Nickelodeon says barnacles! The study is too small, only 20 kids had their brains vaccumed, and the show is really intended for 6-11 year olds, not prechoolers, so there. Actually, valid points. Not to mention its dramatic real-life insights into the competitive fast-food industry and its highly accurate portrayal of sea life, and a squirrel scientist.

My kids, 6 and 9, are squarely in SpongeBob's comedic cross hairs. They love having their brains emptied by fast-paced animation. I have no idea where they get this frivolous streak.

And I have worried on many a Saturday morning that university researchers might bust through our door to pop a surpise test of their executive skills. Ha. Joke's on them. Good luck getting either of them to pay any attention at all, or solve any problem or delay gratification for even a split second while SpongeBob is on ... Oh. No.

Tartar sauce! What to do?

Well, perhaps we'll trade spongy TV for some fine public affairs programing.

I'll make them watch a presidential debate. Then they can learn, for instance, how we need high fence to protect Rick Perry's pinata of Ponzi from Obamneycare, Galileo skeptics and Chilean models, or something like that. And no worries, despite years of watching Looney Tunes as a child/TV zombie, I understand all of that completely.

Now, before you send a complaint, remember, it's Monday. You've complained enough already. Keep it short.