Speeder Trapids calling. To pay now, press one

Ring … Ring … Ring.

Hello, this is the city of Cedar Rapids' automated speed enforcement system collections division.

It's come to our attention that you've failed to pay a camera-detected speeding citation mailed to you several weeks ago. Although these citations don't count against your driving record or insurance costs, failure to pay will result in the commencement of formal collections procedures which, ultimately, could lower your credit score and hurt your ability to obtain credit.

To pay now, press one. To decline, press two.

You chose two. Yeah, OK, you've got us. We can't really do anything to affect your credit score. Iowa is among 31 states that reached a deal with credit-reporting agencies prohibiting the use of unpaid tickets and fines in determining credit worthiness. Makes sense, considering an unpaid ticket really doesn't give a true picture of your financial situation. Some cities have used fines for petty crimes to rake in revenue, and end up harming citizens, especially low-income folks who struggle to pay. But not this city. No way.

So, now that we've been totally, completely honest with you, surely you'll be willing to pay that fine.

To pay now, press one. To decline, press two.

You chose two. Again? Listen, we may not be able to hurt your good credit, but we can take legal action. You wouldn't want to be dragged into court, would you?

To pay now, press one. To decline, press two.

You chose two. OK, you probably know it would be very expensive and time-consuming for us to take tens of thousands of people to court over $75 speeding fines. You're smart. Not smart enough to refrain from driving like a maniac 12 mph or more over the speed limit through the heart of our city, but still, fairly shrewd. Good for you. Now, Brainiac, please complete payment.

To pay now, press one. To decline, press two.

You chose two. Just because we can't blackball your credit and probably won't sue you doesn't mean we can't play hardball, buster. Rest assured, we have other systems, procedures and protocols at our disposal. They're sure to be tedious and bothersome. How tedious? You don't want to know. Better pay now.

To pay now, press one. To decline, press two.

You chose two. All right, listen, your financial support for our public safety operations is very important to us. Without you, some of our police might have to face bad guys with nothing more than a finger gun in their coat pocket. To show you how much we truly value your support, we're offering, for just a $75 pledge, your choice of a 'Have a Fine Time in Speeder Trapids” coffee mug, tote bag or T-shirt. It's just our way of saying thanks for your generosity, both of throttle and wallet.

To pay now, press one. To decline, press two.

You chose two. I've got a question. What ever happened to good old fashioned honesty, honor and personal responsibility?

Are they dead? Are they? Yes, because people like you killed them. You fly through our city at a dangerous speed, you get caught on camera, and now you won't pay the fine. What sort of person does that? I suppose you also steal candy from bulk bins at the grocery store, toss litter, turn without signaling, leave the bar before it's your turn to buy a round, blow leaves into your neighbor's yard, turn out your porch light on beggars' night, rip tags from mattresses, text and drive, kick puppies and cheat at cards. Am I right, or are you better than that?

I guess we're about to find out.

To pay now, press one. To decline, press two.

You chose two. Why you lousy (beep). That's it. We're calling in an airstrike.

To pay now, press one. To decline, press two.

You chose two. OK, OK you know we can't do that. But do you know what we can do? Do you? We can call your mother. That's right. And she's not going to like what you've done, not one bit. She raised you better than that, didn't she? Didn't she?

To pay now, press one. To decline, press two.

You chose one. Thank you for your payment. Please visit Cedar Rapids soon!

l Comments: (319) 398-85452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com