Overrated and underrated Christmas traditions

As new empty nesters, we’ve been taking stock of our Christmas traditions.

Some are non-negotiable, but some are, frankly. Overrated. To help decide which traditions to keep and which ones to update, I’ve made a list.

Yes, it’s been checked twice.

Overrated: Online shopping — Sure, it’s easy, fast and convenient to do your Christmas shopping staring into a screen in your pajamas. You can buy all your gifts in a matter of minutes and they’ll be delivered right to your door. But where’s the fun in that.

Underrated: Shopping in stores — We’ve grown soft and flabby with all this online convenience. It’s time to fight your way through jammed parking lots, brave crowded stores and wait in a long line to pay for your purchases. You can watch kids crying as they’re placed in Santa’s lap. There’s a kiosk that only sells calendars. Local retailers will be happy to see you. This is the sort of test of our mettle that made America great. Put down your phones, put on a lighted Santa hat and do battle.

Overrated: Caroling — Does anyone really go caroling anymore? I think I was in high school the last time my “singing” voice pierced the cold December air. And I’m pretty sure the Halmark channel now owns the rights to caroling.

Underrated: Singing Christmas songs alone in your car — Belt out some Bing and crank up some Frank as you roll down the holiday road. “Do You Hear What I hear?” Fortunately, it won’t be me singing.

Overrated: Traveling — When Perry Como sings one of his biggest Christmas hits, it seems like he’s calling us to hit the road. “From Atlantic to Pacific, gee the traffic is terrific.”

Underrated: Staying home — But here’s Como’s true message. “There’s no place like home for the holidays.” Yes, it’s great to see family during the holidays. But if you can manage it, a leisurely Christmas Day at home stuffing yourself with holiday food, wearing your pajamas until noon and watching sports can’t be beat.

Overrated: Matching pajamas — You’ve received the Christmas cards featuring entire families clad in matching pajamas. How wonderful. Well, at least until you find out Big Pajama is behind all of this. Pajama makers have cleverly convinced us we need several sets of pajamas we may or may not ever wear again. They’re laughing all the way to the bank.

Underrated: Kerchiefs and caps — When did we abandon the subtle luxury of sleeping in some sort of hat as we settle down for a long winter’s nap? We need to return to those simpler times. The only issue may be finding a cap that goes with your CPAP.

Overrated: Inflatables — Yes, they are impressive. Two-story tall Santas looming over a neighborhood like some sort of genetic accident at the North Pole labs. Inflatables are everywhere, smiling snowmen, jaunty penguins and, of course, dinosaurs. Yeah, I don’t get that one either.

Underrated: Blow molds — The presence of these tough plastic lawn decorations has been dwindling. But they are an endless source of nostalgia and reliability. When a blizzard brings inflatables to their knees, blow molds stand strong, as if they’re saying, “Bring it on.”

Overrated: Baking cutout Christmas cookies — If you want to make your kitchen look like a flour-food-coloring-frosting bomb went off, cutout cookies are for you. Everybody wants to decorate the cookies. But nobody wants to make the dough, roll out the dough and bake the cookies. Fun!

Underrated: Rice Crispy bars and dipped pretzels — These are what everybody really wants despite the cultural pressure to make fancy cookies and use a candy thermometer. Your cookies may languish in their container long after the bars and pretzels are devoured.

Overrated: Leaving out cookies and milk for Santa — Don’t get me wrong, it’s a sweet gesture. But can you imagine Santa having to eat cookies at every house in North America? Nobody likes a sluggish Santa. And, frankly, the old guy doesn’t need sugar and carbs.

Underrated: Leaving a travel mug of Irish coffee for Santa — This will guarantee a permanent place on the nice list. A hot beverage, some caffeine and a shot of Christmas cheer in a handy mug perfect for a guy on the go. Ho, ho, ho!

Overrated: Artificial Christmas trees — Again, I concede they’re easy and convenient. In most cases the lights are already on the tree. And they look far more realistic than the pipe cleaner trees of my youth.

Underrated: Cutting down your tree — Who wants to simply take a tree box down from a garage shelf when you can walk a mile, wait for your incessantly picky loved ones to finally find a tree and use a semi-sharp saw to wrestle down the beast like a green, prickly bear? Dirt, cold steel and maybe even a little blood. That’s Christmas.

Overrated: Gift wrapping. OK, some people enjoy wrapping presents and are good at it. And some people wrap themselves in Scotch tape as they fight with mangled gift wrap. That’s not “Merry Christmas!” they’re yelling.

Underrated: Gift bags — Drop the gift in a bag, throw some tissue paper on top (optional) and you’re done. Just make sure to remove the tag indicating the bag held a present for you last Christmas. Bags are the gift that keeps on giving.

Overrated: Holly and mistletoe — Decking the halls with boughs of holly? Waiting for your sweetheart beneath the mistletoe? Don’t you know you’re really decorating with death-dealing toxic berries? Not that I want to ruin anyone’s fun.

Underrated: Marijuana — Drive over to Illinois, find a marijuana farm and pick out a nice full, tall stalk. The greenery is festive and soon you’ll be as mellow as the voice of Mel Torme. Warning: Do not tie your stalk to the roof of your car for your return trip to Iowa.

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com