Mr. Smith Goes to Des Moines

I call it the Jefferson Smith test.

Before a legislative body does something, maybe we should imagine Jimmy Stewart's famous Mr. Smith making an argument for it. If it sounds all wrong,  it should be shelved.

Let's try it with the constitutional amendment banning marriage equity in Iowa, the one that passed the Iowa House this week, just for fun.

The chair recognizes the gentleman from Feauxmont, Rep. Smith.

“Thank you, Mr. Speaker. I've gotta say, I've been waiting for this moment since I left little Feauxmont a few weeks ago. There was quite a crowd to send me off, good folks one and all. I just didn't know what to say. But I grabbed the microphone and told them the best I could that I wouldn't come home until I'd done my part to deny civil rights to thousands of Iowans.

"Yes sir. I'm gonna make sure, as sure as I'm standing here right now, that equal protection under the law will not cover some people. You know who.

"And I'm going to keep talkin' and talkin' until Iowans get to vote to take those rights away.

“As I drove down our Main Street, I saw some empty storefronts. Economy's been real tough. Real tough. The old town sure ain't what she used to be. That's when a terrible thought hit me. What if some outfit tried to put a gay marriage chapel in one of those storefronts? Chilled me to the bone. Something's gotta be done.

“Now the other night I had a weak moment. Wasn't sure I could go through with it. But then I knelt down by the Lincoln statue in front of the Capitol. And I thought back to old Abe's words, about a government of the people, by the people and for the people, not perishing from this earth. Now, I know what you're gonna say. I know what you're gonna say. I do. But clearly, Lincoln was not talking about everybody. No sir.

“Sometimes, we've gotta march into this old garden of a nation of ours and weed out what I call the undesirables. Maybe they make us real uncomfortable or don't see religion the way we do, or don't live exactly as we do or are just different in some way. Sure, some fancy judge may say they have the same rights as you or I, but what they don't have are votes. The votes, I tell you. Big, fat old majority votes.

Or big campaign war chests, that's important too. That's important too. And I say if you haven't got the votes, and you haven't got the bucks, why should you have the rights? No sir, I don't think so.

“You want the pursuit of happiness? You want to secure the blessings of liberty? Well then, you'd better have several hundred thousand votes and several million bucks, my friend. If you don't like that, take it up with the Founding Fathers, or grab the next steam ship to Sweden, by golly.”

Sound wrong? Yeah, thought so.