Merry Christmas to all! And now some fake carols.

So I'm out of the office this week, investigating the claim that people actually want to spend more time with their families. I smell Pulitzer, and cookies!

Anyway, before I departed, I penned a few lighthearted, festive and fake Christmas carols to warm the hearts of kith and kin. Why, yes, I do occasionally have too much time on my hands. Funny you should ask.

Merry Christmas.

'Jindal Bells”

Dashing through the state

Shaking voter hands all day.

All the fields you pass

Have corn and beans and hay.

Bells on cellphones ring.

Your money's all been spent.

What fun it is to beg for cash

When you're polling 1 percent!

Oh! Jindal bells, Jindal bells,

Perry all the way.

Christie, Walker, Huckabee

Rand Paul on a bale of hay!

Jeb and Ben, Ted and Rick

Come to I-oh-way!

Oh what fun it is to stump

At a Pizza Ranch buffet!

'Away in a Straw Poll”

Away in a straw poll

No room for your tent

You failed to fork over

The RPI's rent.

Your barbecue's lacking

No D-list ta-lent

So sorry you'll never be

Our president.

'Speedy Cams is Coming to Town”

You better slow down

You better not whine

Better not sue

And pay your beepin' fine!

Speedy cams are coming to town.

There's one on the curve

And one up ahead.

They're gonna find out

Whose feet are made of lead!

Speedy cams are coming to town.

They see you when you're speeding

Because you're running late.

They can't say who is driving

But they can snap your license plate!

Oh, you better slow down

Watch for the signs

It's all about the safety

But we're counting on your fines.

Speedy Cams are coming to town.

'Sleigh Ride (For a Gas Tax Hike)”

Just hear those gas pumps jingling

Ring ting tingling too.

Come on, it's lovely timing

For nickel-and-diming with you.

Outside those roads are bumpy

And cars are bouncing, boom, boom!

Come on there's no sense waitin'

Price of gas is deflatin.' Yahoo!

Give it up, give it up, give it up

Let's go, let's add on a dime.

Haven't done it since 1989!

Get the guv, get the guv, get the guv

On board, no more will he hedge.

We're riding along with a song

Until we fall right through a bridge!

'We Three Kings (Over Jacks)”

We three kings were dealt a raw hand

Had the plans, and all of the land.

Commission screwed us, won't include us

In their casino cartel!

O Cedar Crossing, star of night

Loosest slots and steaks gilled right.

We're not leaving, still proceeding

Guide us to thy golden dome!

Gam-bel- ing they say is a sin

You should see the cash it brings in!

We're not joking, we'll ban smoking

If only a license was ours.

O Cedar Crossing, we will fight

To see your sign light up the night.

Wheeling, dealing, dead horse beating?

Lobbying yonder dome.

'Oh Cromnibus!”

Oh Cromnibus! Oh Cromnibus!

How loaded are your branches?

Oh Cromnibus! Oh Cromnibus!

So loaded are your branches!

A sweetheart deal, for donors fat

And belching cows, or flatulent.

Oh Cromnibus! Oh Cromnibus!

That's not pine we're smelling!

Oh Cromnibus! Oh Cromnibus!

How special are your favors?

Oh Cromnibus! Oh Cromnibus!

So many different flavors!

Blue Cross, and banks, they got a lot

And in D.C., no legal pot!

Oh, Cromnibus! Oh Cromnibus!

Oh what have you been smoking?

l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com