Maximize your pro-Palestine college protest experience by following these rules

It’s no wonder college campuses are the epicenter of the anti-Israel protests that have dominated headlines for the past week and half or so. Where else can one find a large group of naïve, impressionable people concentrated in one area? What a college student lacks in life experience, they more than make up for in idealism. They make the perfect leftist protester. It also helps that a third of their professors are full-fledged communists. (That’s just a rough estimate.)

In order for a protest to be successful and achieve the political and/or social change they wish to achieve, protesters will do well to follow some basic guidelines. For decades, it was the rules of famed community organizer Saul Alinsky that wrote the political playbook for the left. Alinsky’s most popular book, “Rules for Radicals,” has been a part of my personal library for years. It is my favorite political book.

Unfortunately, most college kids don’t even know who Saul Alinsky was. And if Alinsky’s legacy — and his rules — fade into the past, someone better write a new playbook on how to achieve change through a college protest.

In the last week and a half or so, protests have broken out at universities nationwide as organized groups of students take to their campuses to demand four things of their institutions: Disclose, divest, amnesty, and advocate.

What that means: Protesters want their colleges to disclose how the institution invests its endowment funds, withdraw those investments from any company affiliated with the evil colonizer Jewish state, absolve all protesters of accountability when their actions violate law or school policy, and above all, use the institution’s influence to call for a cease fire in the latest brutal round of conflict between Israel and the Hamas organization that rules the Gaza strip.

Most of us have realized that a cease fire isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Talks have stalled and a fresh round of U.S. aid to Israel was recently signed into law by President Joe Biden. So as campus protests continue to rage, I’ve devised the following list of rules to help protesters ensure they get as much as they can out of the experience.

Warning: Satire.

Don’t waste time learning about the geopolitical history of the region. Everything you need to know about the war in Gaza you’ve already learned from two-minute social media videos chosen by an algorithm or from lectures given by the professor in your art history class who lists xir pronouns on a button that xe fastens to xir sweater every day.*

If passersby tell you that your protest is antisemitic, tell them you’re not antisemitic, you’re “anti-Zionist.” If they ask you what that means, tell them you don’t engage with colonizers and walk away. Don’t let them catch you Googling “What is a Zionist” on your smartphone.

Keep it interesting — mix up your chants. This is where you really get to show off your creative side. Some possible suggestions:

Remember, this isn’t hate speech. These are calls for unity. Bring a drum to make the chants more musically appealing. If you don’t have a drum, any kind of bucket and big spoon will work.

The ultimate goal is to be the leader of the chant — he who holds the bullhorn holds the power. And it’ll make a great profile photo for your social media accounts so all your old high school classmates can see how exciting your life is.

At all times, wear a COVID mask. If you don’t have a mask, tie a bandanna around the middle of your head so that it covers half of your face — it’ll achieve the same goal as the COVID mask, which is for COVID safety and not at all to conceal your identity.

If someone from the media wants to interview you, don’t give them your name. There is a possibility that when you finish college someday and start applying for jobs, your prospective employers will do an Internet search.

Actually, just don’t speak with the media. All they want to talk about is whether you think Jewish students can feel safe on campus when they hear shouts of “Go back to Poland!”

If you form an encampment, protect it by erecting barriers that your comrades patrol. Campus security won’t mind if you snatch those metal barricades for your own use. Don’t let anybody but your comrades pass. Be suspicious of anyone not wearing a kaffiyeh and N95 mask.

If they’re wearing a Star of David necklace, don’t let them through under any circumstances. If they have a disability and they tell you that you’re blocking their accessible path to class, don’t relent. Resistance is more important than civil rights.

If someone tells you to leave, tell them that protesting is your civil right.

Pack light for your stay in a tent encampment. At your encampment’s supply tent, you’ll find everything from food to medicine to organic tampons. A cornucopia of items will be available, possibly at no cost to you courtesy of billionaire-funded nonprofits. (It’s all right — they’re the kind of billionaires who regularly denounce capitalism.) They might even have power generators so you can charge your smartphone — you can’t rally people to your cause if you don’t post your exploits on TikTok or Instagram.

Put together a list of needs for your encampment and distribute it online so other revolutionaries can contribute. Follow the lead of the Students for Justice in Palestine at UCLA and put your most “urgent” items at the top of your list: gas masks, shields, zip ties, knee and elbow pads, and utility gloves.

Don’t put items like pepper spray, baseball bats, nails, or brass knuckles on your list. You can obtain all that from your new comrades who you never actually saw on campus before this event and who look a lot older than college age but seem really passionate about hating cops and beating up fascists.

Put food items on your list of needs, but be inclusive of your comrades’ diets. Specify the need for items that are vegan and gluten free, and organic.

Learn from the protesters at UCLA: If you put “NO BAGELS” on your list, you’ll be called anti-Semitic. To avoid that include a whole host of items you don’t want, like brisket, knish, lox, latkes and gefilte fish.

Stipulate that the items your supporters send must be BDS-compliant (Boycott, Divest, Sanction.) It is simply intolerable to accept food and supplies purchased from companies that enable the oppressive Israeli regime. Items manufactured at Uyghur camps in China are acceptable.

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Show those college administrators how serious you are by taking over a building on campus. Barricade yourselves inside the building by moving the heaviest objects possible in front of the doors. Pile chairs and desks in doorways and the middle of hallways to make it as treacherous as possible for the cops when they come in to drag you out.

Remind your college that they still have to feed you. If the administration doesn’t proactively commit to allowing you to have food and beverages brought into the building you’re illegally occupying, you might die from starvation or dehydration. Don’t let them neglect this important humanitarian obligation.

If police give a dispersal order, get ready for the real fun. A dispersal order will sound something like, “This is the police. This is an unlawful assembly. You are ordered to disperse immediately. If you refuse to leave immediately, you will be subject to arrest.” If you hear this, by no means should you actually follow the police’s instructions and leave. **

If you’re cool enough to get arrested, make it as difficult as possible for the pigs. (That’s what protesters call the police.) After they slap the cuffs on you, just go completely limp. Make the officer drag you away from the area. Scream at the top of your lungs the whole time. Draw your inspiration from a three-year-old after a day at an amusement park without a nap.

If you’re sprayed with pepper spray, don’t shower for at least a few hours. Water will reactivate the capsaicin that makes the pepper spray burn — and redistribute it to areas of the body you REALLY don’t want affected. ***

Last but not least, any action, legal or illegal, is justified if it’s an act of “resistance.” Damn the Man. Power to the people.

* For all you Boomers, those are called “neopronouns.”

** By now you’ve hopefully figured out this is satire, but just in case: Don’t actually take this terrible advice. If the cops tell you to scram, you should scram.

*** This is actually correct.

Comments: 319-398-8266; althea.cole@thegazette.com