Listen my children and you shall hear...a lot of excuses

Warning, my annual Fourth of July satire:

So Paul Revere gallops up to a fellow colonist, who is wearing ear buds.

“You there, fellow patriot, the British are coming! Grab your musket and report to your militia, for there will be a fight for freedom come morning!”

What? Let me take these off. Hey, have you heard the new Kanye?

“I do not know of this. All I know is that the king's cursed redcoats are on the march this direction.”

Yeah, I got a news alert about that 10 minutes ago. I tweeted it. #americanrevolution #georgestinks.

“But will you take up arms and meet the onslaught of tyranny at sunrise?”

Well, geez. I don't know. I'm looking at a pretty full plate tomorrow. I've got to make a presentation at work, and there's a ton of meetings. There's that appointment to get my carriage detailed. Then my kids have a thing at their school. I recorded a bunch of “Mad Men” episodes and I was hoping tonight would be the night I'd finally get around to watching them.

I'm not even sure when we're going to fit in dinner, let alone a clash between ragtag militia units and the world's most fearsome land army.

“Hail, sturdy fellow. Courage! We need you to stand strong with us!”

Yeah, well, my restless leg syndrome has been acting up. And the anxiety of close combat is bound to aggravate my reflux. I haven't been to the gym in ages, but I'm going to start going next week. I swear it.

After a few weeks of cardio and some core work, I bet I'll be totally up for some bayonet fixing and what not.

“Gadzooks, man! Are you not outraged by the unlawful searches of our homes and seizure of our property? What of our civil liberties?”

Oh, sure. But from what I read on Facebook they're just gathering a bunch of meaningless metadata, so I'm not really worried. And besides, it's all about public safety, protecting the homeland, you know? If you're not smuggling French West Indies molasses or hiding fugitives or quartering rebels, you've really got nothing to worry about...

Oops, another text. Can you believe Kimye named their baby North West? Wow.

“But what of the high taxes and duties inflicted on us by the crown?”

Awful. Shameful. That's why I got these bumper stickers. “How's that taxation without representation working out for you?” And “Don't blame me, I'm not the deity who gave him divine right to the throne!”

“Words, just words. But will you take action?”

Sure, sure. You bet. Call me Saturday, after the farmers' market. Oh, wait, there's a craft beer festival in the afternoon. Make it Sunday. Afternoon. I like to sleep late.”