Lessons learned from 2014 campaign

Be kind to chickens.

If there's a big lesson we can all agree on from the 2014 campaign in Iowa, I think that's it. If some of your neighbor's chickens happen to wander into your yard, treat them like the unexpected, but entirely welcome and honored, guests they are. Break out your best feed. Put on the sort of music chickens like. Scare off any and all hawks, dogs and trial lawyers.

Send those neighbors a fresh-baked pie in deep appreciation for generously sharing their joy of poultry.

And, no, not a chicken potpie.

So be kind to chickens. Pigs? Don't ask.

Also, attend meetings.

Always attend meetings - committee meetings, subcommittee meetings, sub-subcommittee meetings. Do not miss, under any circumstances, hearings, briefings, brown-baggers, panel discussions, caucuses, salons, confabs or huddles. Show up at meetings even when they've been canceled. Show up at meetings even when you're not supposed to be there.

Always show up, so you can't be accused of not showing up X percentage of the time. Very important government stuff happens at meetings. Sometimes. Occasionally. But no excuses. None. You're a 100-percenter.

Babies are born every day. People get married and graduate all the time. Funerals? Also hardly rare. Sick? Suck it up. No matter what, no matter how tempted you are to skip, when that roll call comes, your only acceptable answer is a very loud 'here!”

So show up at meetings.

Unless they're with editorial boards. In that case, totally optional.

Also, praise be to Grassley.

Any speech, talk or little chat you deliver should open with a heartfelt tribute to U.S. Sen. Chuck Grassley and all Iowans who grow crops, raise livestock or even mow their own lawns. Note, enthusiastically, that Grassley has the experience, smarts and common sense needed to chair any Senate committee. Give thanks to the good Lord that he doesn't have a law degree. Compose an ode. Find laudatory words that rhyme with Grassley. You can do it.

Also, rural rules.

If you have lofty political aspirations for any of your children, your best bet is to send them to live on a nice farm. Don't wait.

Lose the Xbox and the smartphone, kids. Instead, fill their hours with work and activities that will someday prove to be metaphorically poignant in a campaign setting. Make things squeal. Bake biscuits. Use a lick of common sense to best a city slicker. Solve tough problems around a kitchen table. Wear hand-me-downs and bread bags. Double the Renewable Fuel Standard.

The road to victory is not paved. It's gravel.

Also, don't be a scientist.

Remind folks repeatedly that you are no scientist, especially if you get asked about touchy stuff like climate change, air quality or water pollution. It's the surefire get-out-of-science-free card. Also, as a bonus, not being a scientist means you don't have to listen to actual scientists drone on and on about science. Unless they're employed by big money donors. In that case, make it rain, science.

Also, keep that mustache.

In political terms, mustaches have mystical powers. Shave it off, and you're bound to tumble in the polls, raise virtually no money and take a historic, bitter drubbing. Voters can't resist a mustache. They'll choose it over and over and over and over and over and over again. Why? Ask a scientist.

Also, avoid public tirades.

Yes, we know they 'SHUT DOWN THAT SWITCHBOARD!” And that's bad. Yes, it is. But we should always think of how we look when we're angry. Then think about seeing that 50 times every day on TV. Winners use indoor voices.

Also, get your own towels.

Don't get caught speeding in construction zones. Don't pretend constitutional amendments are really just strong personal preferences. Don't vote to fund flower pots or anything that could be used as a flower pot.

Don't speculate on who will be in heaven when you get there, because you just might not get there. Avoid pockets, especially Big Oil's. Never pretend to be a farmer, even accidentally. Build bridges. Break gridlock. Don't put boots on the ground unless you absolutely have to. But punch Putin in the nose.

Also, don't look now, but the Koch brothers are hiding in your bushes.

l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com