Iowa legislative fun-killers seek to pop the bubbly scourge of hemp seltzer

Lately, a scene from the 1992 film “A Few Good Men” has been stuck in my head. You know the one, at the dramatic climax of the film.

But I’ve adapted the screenplay and switched the setting from a military courtroom to the floor of the Iowa House. There, a bullet-headed Marine is being peppered with questions about a bill he backs targeting consumable hemp products, such as hemp-infused seltzer drinks.

“Rep. Holt. Are you ordering Iowa adults to stop getting a buzz?”

“You want hemp?” Holt responds.

“I think I’m entitled to it.”

“You want to get high?”

“I want the hemp!”

“You can’t handle the hemp,” Holt shouts.

And scene.

A Marine 1st Sergeant, retired, and Republican representing Denison in western Iowa, Steve Holt is no fan of hemp consumables with enough THC to let the coolness flow into our vertebrae. Also known as “getting high.”

Hemp drinks are a prime target. And the most popular brand in Iowa is Climbing Kites. It was developed by Lua Brewing in Des Moines and Big Grove Brewery just bought a majority stake in Lua’s hemp-infused seltzer line.

Climbing Kites comes in four varieties, ranging in THC content from 2.5 milligrams to 5 mg and 10 mg. The market for Climbing Kites is growing. The Sky’s the limit, so to speak.

But when the Legislature got wind of people getting high in Iowa, lawmakers had to act. Apparently, a loophole in the 2018 Hemp Act permitted the manufacture of potent potables.

The bill that passed the House, House File 2605, raises the age limit for purchase to 21. That’s a good idea. If only lawmakers had stopped there.

The bill caps the level of THC at 4 mg per serving and no more than 10 mg in a single package of drinks. Holt offered an amendment that would drop the THC cap to 2 mg per serving, but the amendment was amended to restore 4 mg.

Holt argued lawmakers must tame the “Wild West” Iowa hemp industry and its “intoxicating products.” HF 2605, as amended, was approved on a broad, bipartisan vote of 79-16. It now goes to the Senate.

Members who voted yes may be sympathetic to the cause of seltzer liberty. But the politics of legalizing drugs remains dicey for some lawmakers.

So, the House bill is a real bummer for the fledgling hemp-infused products industry in Iowa. Climbing Kites and other brands could see the Iowa market largely evaporate.

And while lawmakers may be patting themselves on the back for banishing the scourge of fruity, bubbly hemp seltzer from our state, Illinois and Missouri are selling legal marijuana and consumables like hot cakes. By early next year, Minnesota will join them.

Illinois marijuana sales hit $1.2 billion last year. Surely no law-abiding Iowans crossed the border to obtain gummies, etc.

So no Wild West. Just wild east, south and north.

I have a friend who tried these drinks. I know what you’re thinking. “Sure, it’s a ‘friend.’” I do have them, as far as you know.

Not surprisingly, the more THC is infused into the drink, the higher you get. But none of the Climbing Kites seltzers, he said, harshed his vibe. He also slept like a baby.

He tried another brand with 24 mg of THC. That was too much, unless you don’t mind forgetting what happened two minutes ago and being unable to complete a sentence.

But the near-universal reaction from people who try hemp seltzer is, “I can’t believe this is legal.”

But, of course, this is a state where a guy can go into a grocery store, walk out with a handle of cheap vodka and drink until he blacks out. It’s also easy in Iowa to buy all the firearms you want and blow off as many digits as you desire with legal fireworks. Freedom.

Swim at a state park beach, but at your own risk. When traffic fatalities spike, we don’t lower the speed limit. Kids can do jobs once considered dangerous thanks to legislative action.

But the threat of hemp seltzer necessitates legislative action. Even adults can’t be trusted to handle hemp in their own home. The old paradigm, suits vs. hippies, society vs. pot heads and Reefer Madness remains stubbornly in place in Iowa. The nannies are shaking their scolding fingers.

Two martinis? Swell. Five milligrams of THC, societal collapse.

If polls are to be believed, most Iowans support legalizing marijuana for recreational use. It’s easy to see the times they are a changing, even if it’s at a glacial pace in Iowa. Eventually, some form of recreational marijuana will be legal in Iowa. Why not take this baby step toward the inevitable?

Yes, legal marijuana clearly comes with downsides. I’m sure I’ll be hearing about them soon. But, as I mentioned, the state already allows risky behaviors. It takes a lot of bubble wrap to protect every Iowan. So, as the governor often said during the pandemic, “We trust Iowans to do the right thing.”

So, lawmakers should raise the purchase age and drop all the milligram micromanagement. See how this saga unfolds before cracking down.

So, yes, we can handle the hemp. Just don’t let Rep. Holt know we’re enjoying it.

(319) 398-8262; editorial@thegazette.com