Feasting on a big plate of thankful

Happy Thanksgiving one and all.

Here's what I'm thankful for, as far as you know.

I'm thankful for our dog Scuttle, because he only barks at garbage trucks, mail trucks, snowplows, snowblowers, lawn mowers, weed whackers, storm sirens, people walking, people with dogs, people on bikes, people standing still, birds, cats, rabbits, rabbit-like lumps and dire, invisible threats only he can see. Otherwise he's kind of quiet.

I'm thankful for good-natured neighbors.

I'm thankful for the World Health Organization and other groups pointing out which foods may cause cancer. Makes my Thanksgiving menu super easy. Just delete processed meats, red meats, anything grilled, smoked or barbecued, refined flour, refined sugar, artificial sweeteners, soda, booze, potato chips, fruits and vegetables sprayed with chemicals and anything pickled. Instead, serve a stalk of organic asparagus steamed in distilled water dipped from a hidden lake in the Andes. Don't overdo it. Enjoy!

I'm thankful for charcoal, which is great for grilling and smoking processed and red meats.

I'm thankful for newspapers, as a vital source of information and as a provider of generous paychecks. Also, how else would I light charcoal? Lighting it with unpaid bills or your kids' artwork from school is just sad.

I'm thankful for my Fitbit. I used to wildly speculate on how inactive I am. Now, my inactivity is recorded, charted and reported to friends and family.

I'm thankful for brine. Once, you bought a turkey and roasted it. Now, it needs an overnight rosemary bath. Soon, turkey spas.

I'm thankful for my daughter Ella, who refuses to believe any explanation we give her, no matter how obviously factual. She has a bright future in politics, or cable news.

I'm thankful for my daughter Tess, who just returned from Washington D.C. She texted us a picture from Mount Vernon of a marble sarcophagus. 'THIS IS GEORGE WASHINGTON!!!!!!!” her text screamed. OMG! Is he in the Hunger Games?

I'm thankful for my wife, who has been shopping for a new front door. Please don't change the locks, sweetie.

I'm thankful for Facebook, although I've developed repetitive motion injuries from rolling my eyes and shaking my head way too often.

I'm thankful for expert analysis, otherwise how would I know my beloved college football team is an overrated fluke, the caucuses are a total waste of time and Donald Trump is finished?

I'm thankful for endless horse race polling, otherwise, how would I know which candidates' fibs, gaffes and astounding factual misrepresentations I should just ignore?

I'm thankful for readers demanding 'balance.” OK. Republicans serve dry, flavorless turkeys while starving urchins look in through the window. Democrats serve dry, flavorless turkeys they bought with money borrowed from the Chinese your kids will pay back. Happy?

I'm thankful for cheap gasoline, because the holidays are all about getting together with family.

I'm thankful for bourbon, because the holidays are all about getting together with family.

I'm thankful for Christmas lights, interrupting our desperate frozen darkness already in progress.

I'm thankful for Christmas music, except maybe that 'Carol of the Bells.” Too many bells. Please stop the bells. You're scaring the elves.

I'm thankful the governor's office still invites me to its annual media holiday party. Good sports, those folks. But I'm curious why my invitation says the party will be held at an abandoned, remote farmhouse. Odd.

The end. And now, you're thankful.

l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com