Election Day. Look on the Bright Side

Good things will happen on Election Day, no matter who wins. I swear it.

If McCain Wins:

1. Polling will become the curious sideshow that it should be, rather than the ceaseless 500-trillion-watt epicenter of political journalism and the font of all conventional wisdom. And I'm going to get rich selling "I'm In the Margin of Error" T-Shirts.

2. Tina Fey will be a heartbeat away for at least four years.

3. We will have a smart-a** president with a wickedly dry sense of humor. (Unless that's not OK with the GOP base. Then it's all knock-knock jokes about the gay agenda from here on out.)

4. We can dismiss the raw, untapped power of young voters once and for all. Slackers.

5. Beers for everyone. Cindy's picking up the tab.

If Obama Wins:

1. Wave a fond bye-bye to the 40th Annual Groovy 60s Culture War and Vietnam Re-enactment Festival. Take down the bummer tents, load up the micro bus. It's so over.

2. Republicans might actually be forced to find an election strategy beyond trying to scare the hell out of us every four years.

3. Joe Biden and lots of open, working microphones.

4. The world will like us again, possibly for several days.

5. I make way less than $250,000, so you know what that means. Ka-ching!