Drumsticks for the deserving

Happy Thanksgiving Day to all.

Years back, when I first came to town, I used my Thanksgiving column to hand out honorary turkey drumsticks to deserving folks, usually newsmakers. For some reason, I stopped doing it.

A colleague, Vicki Decker, suggested that I should restart the tradition. Why not? So the first drumstick goes to her.

Next, have a drumstick Gov. Terry Branstad, soon to be America's longest serving governor. He pardoned two turkeys this week, Cranberry and Cinnamon, but the governor then made it clear this does not mean their voting rights are restored. Fill out the forms and get in line, turkeys.

His Democratic rival Jack Hatch also deserves a thick, meaty drumstick after running such a bare-bones campaign. And, go ahead, grow back that gravy saver.

U.S. Sen.-elect Joni Ernst gets a drumstick, both because of her historic victory and to finally give the pigs and chickens a rest.

A consolation drumstick goes to Ernst's defeated rival, U.S. Rep. Bruce Braley, although it comes from some turkey in Iowa with no law degree. Also, toss one to Mariannette Miller-Meeks, who fell short of Congress for a third time, and to Jim Mowrer, who took on U.S. Rep. Steve King. King can have one too, a drumstick the size of a cantaloupe.

I'd also love to give drumsticks to all the shadowy outside groups that spent millions influencing Iowa campaigns. Better yet, I'd like to airdrop whole turkeys on their offices. God as my witness, I'm sure frozen turkeys can fly.

I present a pair of drumsticks to Lucy Hershberger and Pat Sauer, two members of a stakeholder group that recommended scrapping an Iowa rule requiring that topsoil be replaced on finished building sites. They fought the good fight to keep the rule, and our soil, in place. To the homebuilders, Realtors and earthmovers who packed the group, a drumstick molded out of hard, compacted clay from my yard.

I'd like to give drumsticks to all of the investors who tried and failed to win a state license for the Cedar Crossing Casino in Cedar Rapids. Unfortunately, the Iowa Racing and Gaming Commission voted 4-1 to deny the drumsticks, citing the possibility of cannibalization from Riverside Casino's Thanksgiving Day buffet and independent studies warning of gravy saturation.

But I can give a smoked turkey drumstick to Cedar Rapids Mayor Ron Corbett, who will be lobbying the Legislature for a smoke-free casino. That means I won't have to go cold turkey to beat my writing-about-gambling addiction.

Marion Mayor Snooks Bouska gets a drumstick, which he is free to gobble either in Marion or in Hiawatha. Heck, hand one to his legal counsel, Captain America, and one to the private investigator parked outside.

I'd like to offer drumsticks to all of the disgruntled drivers who received speed camera tickets and now vow to never stop in Cedar Rapids ever again. We'll just gently toss them to you as you fly by at 75 mph.

And big ol' drumsticks to so many of you who have reached out during the past year with kind words, good ideas and constructive criticism. Here's hoping you have much to be thankful for today.

l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com