Dialing up another culture war kerfuffle

(Warning: Satire.)

911 what's your emergency?

“My house is on fire.”

OK, we'll send units from the Cedar Rapids Fire Department right away.

“Yeah, about that. Please make sure they don't send that truck I read about in the paper with the biblical Psalm 23-inspired art on its aerial ladder. I find it offensive.”

Uh, well, I don't have any control over which trucks they send, sir. That one has been in service for 16 years, and we haven't had any complaints. After all, it was the manufacturer, not the city, that put the art work on the bucket. In any event, I'll dispatch some firefighters to your address right away.

“Well, is it possible to send me a crew that's religiously balanced? I'd hate for my house fire to be unfairly biased in favor of faith traditions that don't match my own. I mean, it's one thing to save my house, but we also need to avoid damaging my sensitivities with any unwelcome or inadvertent proselytization. I could suffer from religious inhalation.

“And I know firefighters sometimes have Dalmatians. But a Unitarian bichon frise would be nice.”

With all due respect, sir, you might simply count your blessings that there are skilled, motivated people who feel such a strong sense of duty to their community that they would put their personal safety at risk to save your belongings and perhaps even your life. And if they don't mind a short biblical passage on their truck, or if they draw a moment's comfort or inspiration from it, why make it an issue?

“That's all well and good, but what about my sacred right to be offended? Maybe you haven't been spending much time on social media, but if you had, you'd know it's become just about the most important right we have as Americans. It shall not be abridged. I shared it on Facebook.

“We have the freedom to be outraged, and then those who outrage us have the freedom to swiftly apologize. Then we move on to the next outrage. It's a very healthy cycle of freedom.”

Is it really? Because it seems like there are much bigger, more substantive issues surrounding the separation of church and state, like whether equal protection under the law should take a back seat to rigid religious dogma, whether real science or theology should drive public policies or whether governments are truly using their considerable powers to favor a religion-driven agenda that actually harms citizens who aren't on the same page of the hymnal.

Instead, we're debating 16-year-old fire trucks, fir trees, merry Christmas and Festivus poles. It's no wonder righteous culture warriors who desperately want us to believe that all of these chuch-state issues are really about Christian persecution are smiling so very broadly. Instead of tempering our cultural warfare hysterics with a respect for both the rule of civil law and for the fact that religion is a permanent part of our public life, we fight eye and tooth to be the most aggrieved victims.

And you should be hearing sirens by now, sir. Help is on the way.

“Nice speech. But I'm still accepting help under extreme protest. And who is your supervisor? I want to report your refusal to honor my personal opinion zone. Unless maybe you're ready to apologize.”

Oh, I am sorry, sir. Very sorry. Lord, have mercy.