Corporations are people, including my 'friend'

(Sunday's print column)

Hello? Is this Transnational Additives?

Hey, buddy! Been a long time, man. Haven't talked with you in years.

Well, I was thinking of you the other day when Mitt Romney got all that attention for saying “Corporations are people, my friend,” at the State Fair. And I'm all like, ‘well, duh, my best bud in college was a corporation.' Good old T-Add.

Hey, remember that time your pal Anheuser came up from St. Louis? That was an epic weekend. Which reminds me, whatever happened to that girl you were dating? She was all lefty and intense about politics and the environment. What was her name? Oh, yeah, the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

Didn't end up with her, huh? That's how it goes. You merged with who? Chemdex Components? A division of Global Polyhedron? So it was love at the first sight of her assets-to-debt ratio. Awww.

Me? I'm fine. Kids are getting ready to start school, summer went fast ... you don't say. You too? You've got a new product line coming out after six years of research and development? Genetically modified chickens born with breading instead of feathers? Uh ... wow, unbelievable. Yeah, they do grow up so fast.

I've been thinking about slapping an addition on the house, but times are tight. Saving up, maybe next year. Yeah ... uh huh ... that is an idea, but I don't think it would work for me. I doubt the city and state will fork over a bunch of cash and tax incentives if I threaten to move. That might work for you, T-Add, but not for me. Good idea, though. I'll think about it.

So where are you these days? Still in Cleveland? Oh...Cayman Islands. Nice. Very nice. A little tax haven on the beach does sound great. I'd love to visit. No, I don't have a helicopter.

Work? Oh, it's great. Still hanging on in the media game. Writing three columns a week. Trying to make my voice heard, maybe change a mind or two. There are actually days that it feels like I'm making a real difference.

No kidding? You're pumping $100 million into a couple of independent groups to saturate the airwaves in 18 swing states with a call for tax cuts and less regulation. “Small Businesses for Freedom.” Catchy. But aren't you a multinational ... yeah, that could make a real difference too. Good for you, being all civic-minded.

No, health wise I can't complain. I've been trying to lose a few pounds. I give myself little rewards for sticking with it.

So you just shed 15,000 jobs, huh. Got a $12 million bonus. You must look and feel great.

No. No. I've gotta go, too. Great to talk with you. Yeah, I'll tell Mitt you'd like a ticket to the inaugural.