Column: On the wrong lists

Do you ever get junk mail and wonder: How on earth did I get on this mailing list?

Did your Cheese of the Month club talk to the folks over at Slimming Swimwear? What pegged you as a possible contributor to the Giant Panda Higher Education Fund? How did Fingerhut find you after your last move? Does anybody actually buy this stuff?

That's how I'm feeling about some of the media releases that have been floated my way lately.

I always appreciate a heads-up from local folks about meetings, events or issues I should know about. But this week has been an unusually busy one for oddballs - PR pitches from far afield that leave me just scratching my head.

Did you know, for example, that you can buy a DVD to help teach your toddler to recognize shapes? If you're interested, I've got a line on a series scientifically proven to work.

And some guy representing some Web site I've never heard of is willing to take time out of his busy day to tell me about this year's Top Ten Valentine's Day gifts. No, it doesn't include chocolate or roses or fancy underwear - stop being so 2009.

But if you're too timid to think that far outside the box (his phrase, not mine), you could get your honey some “intentionally enhanced” chocolate - scientifically proven to increase your well-being, vigor and energy by an average of 67 percent.

The secret? The chocolate is infused with positive energies by experienced, meditating monks. Emeril Lagasse uses it. Bill Gates served it at his wedding, and the Dalai Lama loves it, saying: “I think this chocolate will bring great happiness to mankind,” or so I'm told.

What I don't get is why they're telling me. What did I do to get pegged as part of the spiritual chocolate, brilliant baby, cutting-edge Valentine crowd? Was it something I said?

In truth, I'm not convinced that Valentines will be getting digital cameras and Ugg Classic Short Boots from their sweeties this year, no matter what Web research appears to reveal.

I'm not sure that I need someone else to bless my food for me, no matter how uniquely qualified they might be.

And I don't see what's wrong with teaching babies to recognize circles, squares and triangles the old-fashioned way - by pointing and repeating the words and smothering them with kisses when they get it right.

No, I'm no trend spotter, just a local columnist suspicious about the odds of buying love, or brains or an everlasting soul.

So ... how do I get on that mailing list?

Jennifer Hemmingsen's column appears on Wednesdays and Saturdays. Contact the writer at (319) 339-3154 or jennifer.hemmingsen@gazcomm.com