Column -- Detroit's Secret Car Memo

Sure, we've still got baseball, hot dogs and apple pie. But Chevrolet is looking a little iffy. In fact, all of our once-beloved Detroit car brands are in trouble.

That's why President Obama stepped in last week to grab the wheel and turn General Motors into Government Motors. He told Chrysler to merge with Italy's Fiat, or say arrivederci. Ford, too, is sputtering.

Bottom line, the president is insisting that the Shrunken Three figure out how to produce cars Americans want to buy.

Now, a secret memo has been leaked detailing some of the new cars being considered. Here's a sampling:

The Saturn Socialist - Nationalize your ride with this no-nonsense, nofrills and sturdy car of the people. Its cozy, Spartan cardboard-appointed interior has enough room to carry your pint-size proletariat to soccer practice or your comrades to the co-op. If the car dies for any reason, the radio automatically plays patriotic music. And best of all, the government will pay you to take one off their hands.

The Ford Furlough - Americans are going to have some time on their hands. And whether you're on an unpaid vacation, eluding creditors or just taking a drive to think, you'll need a dependable and affordable car to drive your crushed soul across a bleak country. Comes equipped with a revolutionary cellulosic 4cylinder engine that runs on shredded, "borrowed" office supplies and seats five unshaven adults in bathrobes.

Expandable "ForeclosureFlex" panels and pop-up cots allow the 2010 Furlough to sleep three in anxiety-free comfort. Colors include Pink Slip, Buyout Berry, Out-ToPasture Puce, Angst, Denial and Joad.

The Buick Bonus - After driving a company into the economic ditch, a busy captain of finance like you shouldn't have to worry how you'll haul yourself and a hefty severance back to the estate. Settle into the 2010 Buick Bonus, with a smooth ride that will make you forget all about that unpleasantness you're putting in the rearview mirror. Whether you're headed to Capitol Hill for a grilling or trying to outrun an angry mob, the Bonus has the get up and go to get you there in style.

The Madoff, by Mercury - You simply can't resist the gorgeous Madoff by Mercury. You have to order one now, and pay for it in advance. It will be delivered. Eventually. You bet it will.

The Pontiac Pitchfork - There's a lot of outrage out there, but only one car is equipped to handle it. The Pitchfork demands attention with loudspeakers mounted on the roof, flameo-matic, propane-powered torches and a front-end "Execu-Catch" system that grabs and secures fleeing corporate robber barrons. So get mad. Get moving. Get a Pitchfork.

The Freedom Car - A joint venture by the Big Three will give Americans the ultimate in green technology. Underneath this splendid shell of polished Detroit titanium there is no fuel-guzzling engine, no drivetrain and no seats. Now, you'll have the freedom to walk, ride a bike, hitchhike or just stay home while still enjoying the little perks of car ownership, like washing, waxing and buying clever vanity plates.