Column - Candy Aisle Under Attack

I read recently that Linn County Public Health is seeking some federal bucks to help save us from ourselves.

The agency is seeking federal stimulus dollars to get new health initiatives running, in part, because so few of us are capable of running. The agency's new director, Curtis Dickson, came all the way from North Carolina to convince us to swear off MoonPies and RC Cola before our health goes south.

And if federal money comes, behavior modification could follow.

There's talk of requiring calorie counts on local menus so we're aware that the bacon cheeseburger we're craving would feed a small village. Fine by me, so long as I can request a “special occasion” menu a couple times a year when I really, really don't want to know. Please nutri-nannies, don't spoil my birthday.

We may ban the dreaded trans fat, just like they did way out in New York City. Although I really don't see why that's necessary if those deadly grams are already mocking us on our menu.

It's also possible we could see a ban on the sale of cigarettes at pharmacies, where struggling ex-smokers might be tempted to blow nicotine patch money on a pack of menthols. I seriously doubt any smokers are going to be shocked by more restrictions.

But there's one possible new rule that I think crosses a line. And that's banning candy from the grocery store checkout line. I just find it hard to swallow. Maybe that's because my mouth is filled with nougat.

For one thing, cherished childhood memories would melt away. The checkout aisle was a kid's primary objective on a trip to the grocery store. Sure, there were skirmishes in the cereal aisle near the Lucky Charms, and perhaps near the ice cream freezer, but the candy aisle was Begging Central.

Please, oh, please can I get a Marathon Bar, a blow pop, a Pixie Stix and baseball cards?

The usual answer? “Forget it.” Awww. Dang.

Which brings me to my second point.

Kids need to hear “no” now and again, so if public health is trying to save me from parenting in the presence of candy, just skip it.

Unless you're also going to come to our house and turn off Sponge Bob and shove them kicking into a bath and screaming into bed and then explain why they can't have pumpkin pie for breakfast, you're not really doing us much of a favor. You're just bothering business owners who have enough to worry about already.

So don't fret none 'bout us, we the veterans of the sugar wars. I'm sure public health has bigger fish to fry.

OK, OK, grill.

Contact the writer at (319) 398-8452 or todd.dorman@gazcomm.com