ChetChase 2010 Bracketology

Iowa's Race for Governor, still on the bubble.

The filing deadline is this week. And that means it's time for Iowa's big dance to retain/replace our Bug Lug.

Here are the projected first-round match-ups:

DEMOCRATS

DEM MIDWEST REGIONAL -- Greater Milo Coliseum, Milo, Iowa. 

Chet "Poll-Climber" Culver (1-0) vs. Jonathan "Never Pause" Narcisse (0-0)

Analysis -- Ninety percent of this match up comes down to showing up. Or not showing up.

The big question is, will Narcisse show up in the primary? As of Tuesday, his campaign site was still urging signature-gatherers to return his nominating petitions on St. Paddy's Day. The deadline is Friday. Tick toc.

If he does make it into race, will Culver trade sneaker squeaks with his upstart, long-winded challenger?

Not likely. Culver surely will employ his patented "Not-in-the-same-area-code" game plan to frustrate Narcisse, who is unlikely to ever set eyes on the governor in public. Culver's lack of physical presence in the paint, on the perimeter or even in the arena will be the difference in this one.

Culver also has a nasty spin move known to cause whiplash.

"As a candidate for governor in 2006, I promised the voters of Iowa that if elected I would save $250 million in taxpayer money through efficiencies and reform efforts," Culver said, signing the big 'government reorganization' bill. "Today we are delivering on that promise."

Apparently the unspoken part of that promise was that he'd first spend the state budget into a deep chasm before getting around to finding all those efficiencies. Getting dizzy.

DEM EAST REGIONAL -- Stone City Fieldhouse, Stone City, Iowa

Economy Improving (0-18 mos.) vs. Economy Still Totally Stinks (111,000 unemployed)

Analysis -- This is a key showdown for nervous Democrats. Will the economy rally in time to brighten voters' mood, or will it continue to dribble the ball off its foot, tie its shoestrings together, fire at the wrong basket and wear its uniform backwards? Time is running out.

Sure, the Improvers point to a slight tax revenue rise, fewer jobless claims and other areas of gradual improvement. Trust us, it's getting better.

But the Totally Stinkers will probably smack those weak shots, and talk plenty of trash.

"Come strong, or don't come at all. Where are all your I-JOBS, punks? Guess we'd all better apply to be puppy mill inspectors."

It could get ugly.

REPUBLICANS

GOP WEST REGIONAL -- The Sloan Dome, Sloan Iowa.

Bob "Dutch Thunder" Vander Plaats (0-3) vs. Rod "Really Reasonable" Roberts (0-0).

Analysis -- This is a match up of two very different styles -- Vander Plaats' in-your-face, obey-me-or-impeach-me offense against Roberts' more nuanced "I'm conservative-but-not-cranky" strategy.

Vander Plaats has vowed to issue an executive order at the beginning of the game declaring himself the winner. And if you don't like it, maybe a few minutes alone with Chuck "The Endorser" Norris will set your mind right.

Far right.

But Roberts' upbeat style of play may be perfectly suited to a sunny springtime upswing. I once saw a real, live bluebird land on his shoulder during a speech. Seriously. And as soon as the snow started melting, he picked up endorsements. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Robbins. Daffodils. Could a unified GOP be next?

"The problem we have within the Republican party is you have supporters of one candidate saying we couldn't support the other as nominee. And you have same thing being pointed back the other direction. That is why I stress our nominee has to be able to bring all Republicans together and unite them if we're going to be able to beat Chet Culver," Roberts said.

Still, I think Vander Plaats' has the advantage. Have you ever seen Chuck Norris tiptoe through the tulips? Ouch.

GOP NORTH CENTRAL REGIONAL -- Rowan Square Gardens, Rowan, Iowa.

New 2010  Terry Branstad (0-0) vs. Classic Gov. Terry Branstad (16-0)

Analysis -- 2010 Branstad started out fast, but then ran squarely into Gov. Branstad Classic, who seemed know every single one of 2010's plays even before he called them.

Spooky. It's like they're mirror images.

2010 Branstad calls for cutting government spending. Gov. Branstad signs off on big budget increases. New B vows to put the state's fiscal house in order. Old B shows up with two sets of books.

He shoots, "Listen to my new, fresh ideas for Iowa's future."

Rejected! "I remember back when I was first elected governor. You were in junior high and candy bars were a quarter."

My money's on governor old school.

And really, it's tough for a Hawkeye fan like myself to not be nostalgic for the Branstad Classic years. Happy madness.