Caucus Night Winners

Often, after a big time voting event, I'll compile a list of winners and losers.

Blame it on sleep deprivation, or maybe my big heart, but I think caucus night made us all winners. No time for losers, because we're all the champions.

Mitt Romney is your official “winner,” by a margin that could be seated snugly in my minivan. He was losing, then winning, then losing, and then he won. Vintage Romney.

His totally 100 percent American, absolutely not socialist European, family station wagon of a campaign is a little dented, but still runs great.

Rick Santorum won the expectations game, the most coveted prize in all of punditry. He leaves Iowa with new credibility and momentum, and, apparently, a paunch. “I love Iowa, but the fare can be a little thickening,” Santorum told supporters, referring to time spent wrangling votes, and perhaps broasted chicken, at Pizza Ranches. 

Ron Paul won yet another chance to talk about the gold standard on national television. And he's not going away. Nope, don't think so.

Newt Gingrich won the right to stop being so painfully positive. He can now return to his comfort zone and gleefully ravage Romney in New Hampshire. “I do reserve the right to tell the truth,” Gingrich said, smoke rising from his ears, before he and his famous "baggage" jetted east.

Rick Perry rode into the sunset and toward the heart of Texas, satisfied that he valued Iowans more than any other candidate. After all, he spent $480 per vote. That cheapskate Santorum spent $20.50.

Perry could have skipped all the trouble and bought each of his supporters a nice flat-screen TV. You know something's wrong in our country when a politician can blow millions on a failed campaign but some children can't watch Sponge Bob in crystal clear HD.

Michele Bachman gets to become a Minnesotan again. Bachmann and husband Marcus also leave Iowa with a fine pair of “doggy sunglasses,” she told supporters. Oh yes she did.

Fans of bare-knuckled negative campaigning won with the advent of Super PACs spewing unlimited mud while candidates remain clean pressed and positive. Remember, a shadowy donor is just a corporate-person-like entity you haven't met yet.

Iowa Republicans put on caucuses that drew record turnout and gave the nation plenty of drama. But a voting system reliant on slips of paper collected in shoeboxes and ice cream pails may need some gentle tweaking.

Clinton County won the undivided attention of the nation's most important politicos and journos as they waited and waited and waited for elusive results from a pair of precincts. And it made Clinton County GOP officials Edith Pfeffer and Carolyn Tallet into momentary media darlings. But the tall tale of missing Story County results being hauled in a pickup truck turned out to be one last rustic myth.

And we won a brand new state slogan. “Iowa: Our Fare is Thickening.” Take that, Prof. Bloom.