Caucus gifts that can’t be found in any store.

With the holidays rapidly approaching, it seems like a good time to check out the 2016 Caucus Christmas Gift Catalog. No need to thank me.

(Warning: Satire)

Trump on the Shelf Surveillance Elf -

A handsome, luxurious and classy pint-size Donald Trump monitors your household for suspicious activity while playing a festive holiday tune. 'I know what you are doing. My eyes are like an eagle. I know if you are Muslim, or if you are illegal!” All suspicious activity is reported to the Trump Deportation Force. Only a weak, pathetic loser won't enjoy Trump on a Shelf.....$4,999 installation included, and mandatory.

Hillary Transformer Clash of the Authentic Identities -

The Democratic front-runner endlessly transforms as she fights to defeat the forces of evil that would deny her the ultimate prize. She's a centrist, a leftist, transparent, opaque, hands-on, out-of-the-loop, a grandmother who listens and cares, a 3 a.m. warrior slinging cruise missiles into the night, a befuddled innocent who doesn't understand the email. The shifts, dodges and escapes are as endless as the fun. Focus group tested and fully lawyered to ensure safe play……$19.99.

The Quinnipiac Pole -

A handsome, sturdy hardwood pole handcrafted in Connecticut with a million handy uses. Hoist a flag, vault over obstacles, chase off legions of annoying pollsters……$49.99.

Teddy Huckster - He's more than just a friendly, cuddly bear. Activate Teddy Huckster to hear homespun wisdom on major issues of the day. 'It's time to wake up and smell the falafel!” 'The Supreme Court is not the Supreme Being!” 'Now I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE.” Oh Teddy Huckster, what will you say next?......$39.99.

Chris Christie's Chrisbit Activity Tracker -

Lose track of the number of people you've verbally berated today? Chrisbit knows. Equipped with decibel meter and high blood pressure alarm……$149.99.

Bernieopoly -

Forget those old, bourgeoisie real estate games and make way for the revolution! The object of Bernieopoly is to seize everyone's money, and the means of production, for redistribution through universal health care, free college education and other massive social programs. Land on 'Revolution!” and all oligarchs go directly to jail. Pitchforks and torches included……$24.99.

Ted's Transgender Shower Shield - Never worry again about having to take a shower with a transgender classmate or teammate with this quick-deploying, ultra-opaque shower shield enthusiastically endorsed by Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz. At the push of a button, it swiftly surrounds any skittish bather in a big, sturdy canvass bubble of comfort and protection. Available in an assortment of school colors……$79.99.

Debbie Wasserman Schultz Great Debate Game -

Players set up the game, then wait several months before playing. The miscalculation and frustration are palpable!......$12.50.

Save the Day Marco -

Forget Play All Day Elmo. The plush, cuddly, electable friend helping establishment Republicans sleep through the night without breaking out in cold, sweaty Trump terrors is Save the Day Marco. Voters will love him, too. He's appealing. He's charming. He's our only hope……$24.99.

Thomas Jefferson Quotes for Every Occasion -

Hoping to drive home a political point with some wise words from the nation's most brilliant founding father? This handy book puts authentic Jefferson quotes at your fingertips, as far as your audience knows. 'Put a community organizer in the high seat of power, and tyranny will flow like a river of sorrow,” Jefferson once said. Yep……$12.99.

Great Wall of Mexico Lego Set -

Build a magnificent wall with a big, beautiful door. Those people not included. Made in China……$89.99.

Randcraft -

In this hot new computer game, players use tools and building skills in an ill-fated attempt to dig Rand Paul out of a very deep political hole….$24.99.

Big Book of Thoughts and Prayers -

With national tragedies piling up, it can be tough to swiftly convey the proper sentiment on the fly. With this hefty resource, you'll never be without a thoughtful response. 'I humbly pray that my righteous side of the ideological spectrum will emerge victorious from the fateful struggle to dictate the post-mass-shooting political narrative. Amen.” And many more……$29.99.

Martin O'Malley Guitar Hero -

The longshot Democratic hopeful will dazzle you with his folksy strumming. 'Hey, diddle, diddle. My support is precious little. But I'd sure take second fiddle! Hello, anyone out there?” Admit it. It's stuck in your head……$8.99.

Exclamation Mark -

For sale. Exclamation mark. Lightly used……$1.25.

Doc Carson's Operation -

The wacky doctor's game, updated for 2016. Carefully remove voters' brains. But don't touch the sides!.....$27.99.

Carly Fiorina's 'Frozen” Remix -

The once rising GOP hopeful makes the Disney classic her own. 'Polls are low. Polls are low. Where did everybody go?” A heartwarming holiday hit……$14.99.

Lyndsey Graham's Cocktail Stylings - The South Carolina senator shares his mixology secrets and drink recipes, including the 'Hard Truth.” Add a shot of stop-demonizing-immigrants, a jigger of stop-alienating-women-and-minorities and a few drops of step-back-from-the-abyss-of-blinding-outrage to a cocktail shaker filled with ice, shake vigorously and pour what's left of your campaign down the drain.” I'll take the bottle and straw, please…….$20.16.

l Comments: (319) 398-8452; todd.dorman@thegazette.com