A no candy Christmas for Santa in Iowa?

A letter arrives at the North Pole.

It looks official. The correspondence is from Gov. Kim Reynolds.

“Merry Christmas, Mr. Claus. Isn’t it great we can say that now?

“Earlier this year, while searching for an excuse to turn down millions of dollars in federal summer food aid for hungry kids in low-income families, I suddenly became aware of childhood obesity. Turns out it’s been a problem for a long time. Who knew?

“I’m writing about your Christmas Eve visits to Iowa families, including low-income people who can’t be trusted to make good decisions. They’re the ones lounging in hammocks, eating lobster.

“When U.S. Rep. Mariannette Miller-Meeks was director of the state department health, she revealed Mountain Dew is the number one product purchased with federal food assistance.

“Turns out it wasn’t true. Not at all. But it certainly feels true.

“With the health of kids now commanding my full attention, for some reason, I must order you to cease and desist the delivery of candy to Iowa children. That includes:

“No dancing sugarplums, festive gum drops or candy canes.

“No nougats, brittles or bark of any kind.

“No green and red M & M's, foil-wrapped caramels or peanut butter lumps supposed to look like trees.

“No candy bars, large or fun-sized.

“No Skittles, Nerds or Sour Patch Kids.

“No Smarties, Dum-Dums or suckers.

“No gummy bears, snakes or any gelatinous confection.

“No ranchers, jolly or otherwise, Charleston Chews or licorice whips.

“No hard candy, even if it is a tough Christmas.

“No fancy old-fashion ribbon candy that looks good in a bowl, but no one eats.

“No fruitcake, fudge or gingerbread people of questionable gender.

“Instead, Mr. Clause, you will be required to deliver boxes full of nutritious foods determined by the state. There will be broccoli, nature’s candy.

“Failure to follow these policies will result in the grounding of your sleigh and confiscation of your reindeer and big bag. We will interrogate your elves.

“We also strongly encourage you, Mr. Claus, to provide educational toys that will help take the place of Area Education Agencies I’m shutting down. But no books may be given that don’t adhere to state law. They’re banned.

“More acceptable are the historical works of Mike Huckabee.

“Also, good, warm socks, red hats and, of course, guns, make great presents.

“And under no circumstances is an undocumented immigrant child to receive gifts.

“One of our main goals is to limit making merry so children can be back all the earlier to their jobs the next day.

“We urge you, Mr. Clause, to respect our laws. Merry Christmas. In your face libs.”

Soon, a letter arrived at the Golden Dome of Wisdom, now redder than maraschino cherries in a fruitcake.

“Dear Gov. Reynolds,

“I’ve been doing the gift-giving thing since the 4th century. So, over the years, I’ve learned much about children and what they want for Christmas. I’ve never received a letter from a child longing for broccoli.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t understand the importance of nutritious food. It’s just that Christmas is intended to be a day of joy for children. They receive gifts, some modest but welcome. And they enjoy candy. Parents, not the government, will police consumption.

“As far as educational toys, my whole gig is about teaching children the importance of giving. Sure, they might lose track of that while driving a remote-control truck around the living room. But a seed has been planted that I hope will grow into generosity beyond Christmastime.

“I’ve seen it happen billions of times.

“And, at the risk of getting technical, Gov. Reynolds, you’re not the boss of me.

“Also, all book banners are automatically added to the naughty list.

“As I’ve said for centuries, Merry Christmas.”

A response letter quickly arrived at the North Pole from Reynolds.

“Mr. Claus,

“I’m taken aback by your lack of respect for our edicts. Maybe you didn’t see the election results. Iowa Republicans are more powerful than ever, and you must respect our authority. Or else. Need I remind you in Iowa, you are an illegal alien.

“Also, did I mention the Iowa Air National Guard can deploy armed drones?

“Good luck, fat man.”

A letter soon arrives at the Golden Dome of Wisdom.

“Dear Gov. Reynolds,

“I’m dismayed you’ve taken such a hard line. I hoped the Christmas spirit would soften your heart. I was wrong.

“I’ve delivered presents, and, yes, candy, to children caught in the middle of the Civil War, two world wars and countless other conflicts. I’ve delivered gifts to kids living in more autocratic regimes than I can count. It’s my job.

“And I’ve emerged unscathed. It helps to have a little magic and a team of reindeer fast enough to race around the world in one night.

“I’ll wave to your drones as we go by. Happy Holidays.”