A far less than frank discussion at the Iowa Statehouse

Welcome to 'Inside the Legislature.”

I'd like to introduce a very special guest who really needs no introduction. You've heard his name used countless times in the corridors of Statehouse power. He's in all the papers. So please welcome to the program Mr. Frank Discussion.

'It's a pleasure to be here. Thank you so much.”

Now, Frank, you own a very successful political consulting firm, am I right?

'Yes, along with my brothers Good and Productive.”

OK, super. Tell us, what exactly is your firm's focus?

'Well, anyone who follows the Legislature knows our grade school civics textbooks left out some important stuff. Sure, we elect 150 legislators, theoretically, to come to Des Moines and make big decisions on our behalf. But when it comes to lawmakers' most important job, crafting a state budget, the truly big final calls are made by just a handful of top leaders and key lawmakers behind closed doors. That's where we come in.”

So what role does your firm play in those sensitive, secret negotiations, Frank?

'Well, the last thing these important folks want is the public to know exactly what's happening as they divvy up their money. And yet, just outside, there are nosy journalists waiting to ask a bunch of questions.

'It's a problem. You can't spill the beans, heaven forbid, so you need something to say that sounds good, but is really just fluff, filled with hot air, wrapped in fog. We provide that foggy fluff.”

So when a legislative leader emerges from budget talks to say, 'It was a frank discussion,” that's you?

'It is. It is. I still get goose bumps every time I hear it.”

Terrific. Frank, would you mind translating some of the statements leaders often make?

'I'd be delighted.”

Let's get started.

We're very close to an agreement on the size of the pie, and that's a big first step.

'All we could agree on was ordering pizza.”

We're cautiously optimistic. And just sitting down to talk is progress.

'Being in the same room with them isn't as excruciatingly awful as I feared.”

It's just like Iowans sitting around their kitchen tables, trying to make ends meet.

'It's just like the fights over money that cause so many divorces.”

We're not going to sacrifice our principles to get a deal.

'Principles already have been sacrificed. It's a bloodbath in there.”

The differences are significant, but we're hopeful they can be bridged.

'We exchanged initial proposals. Everyone laughed until they cried and fell out of their chairs.”

We're flexible. They need to be willing to meet us halfway.

'I wadded up their latest offer and threw it at them. They threw a coffee mug. Somebody tossed a chair. Things escalated surprisingly quickly from there.”

We're not going to negotiate through the media.

'If Iowans had even the slightest hint of the sort of horse-trading going on in there, the swapping of bucks and the slashing of program affecting thousands of people, a torch-wielding mob would be on us by sunset.”

The pieces are starting to fall into place.

'The room is getting very warm. And what is that smell?”

We're going to take this preliminary deal back to our caucus for feedback. It's important they get a chance to fully study this, check with constituents and weigh in.

'I'm going to tell them how it is, and that we're passing it tomorrow.”

In the end, despite our differences, everyone around the table just wants a better Iowa.

'In the end, everyone around the table bowed their heads and prayed very, very hard that this budget wouldn't be a complete disaster for Iowa.”

We're confident the governor will appreciate all the hard work that's gone into this deal.

'We're confident the governor doesn't believe we need a Legislature.”

It was tough, but we proved once again bipartisanship is possible.

'It was tough. And we can't wait to get out on the campaign trail and bury those clowns.”