Somebody’s gonna get hurt tonight

When awaiting the BCS bowl selections today, try to remember this:

Nothing that happened during the season matters. Nothing.

If you're a television historian, you may remember when Johnny Carson played oily television matinee pitchman Art Fern in “Tea Time Movie” sketches.

“Got a bad credit rating? We don't care!” Carson's character would shout while touting some shady business like Cheatem Automotive. “Got a prison record? We don't care!

“Can't pay? Then we care!”

Beat Penn State at Penn State? We don't care. Played exciting, lights-out ball at Ohio State before losing in overtime? We don't care.

Give us a team that will do the most for our bowl and metropolitan area? Then we care!

All that counts to the Fiesta, Orange and Sugar bowls today is if a team is BCS eligible. After that, it's all about those bowls grabbing the teams that can help them grab the most prestige and money. If Iowa gets selected today to participate in the Fiesta Bowl - and that's the way I'd wager things will shake down - it won't be because of the Hawkeyes' 21-10 win at Penn State.

If the Fiesta Bowl or Orange Bowl snap up Penn State tonight instead of Iowa, try to prevent yourself from crying “But the Hawkeyes beat Penn State! At Penn State! It's not fair!!!”

There is no fair factor. If the Fiesta Bowl grabs the Nittany Lions, it's because it feels the Lions give the Phoenix-area bowl more for the status of the game than Iowa would, be it perceived or real. The same applies if it takes the Hawkeyes.

And if Nebraska beat Texas last night to play its way into the Fiesta? Well, then life is too confusing to understand or explain. So skip the rest of this essay and go directly to Blondie in the comics section.

If you're still here, let's operate under the premise the Fiesta Bowl does take Penn State over Iowa. Again, I don't think that's going to happen, but let's just consider the possibility.

You could resent Arizona, forever loathe the Fiesta Bowl, and refuse to have anything to do with game sponsor Tostitos. Although, Tostitos Restaurant Style with a Hint of Lime is one of the finest snack foods in world history, in my opinion.

But then ask yourself where your sense of outrage was a year ago when the Outback Bowl opted for 8-4 Iowa over 9-3 Northwestern when the Wildcats defeated Iowa at Iowa.

Then ask yourself why the Fiesta Bowl exists in the first place. The answer: to make money for itself and its region and to promote tourism to that region.

This isn't about the fine art of creating the best possible football matchups. Bowls aren't about that, nor have they ever been.

This is about renting hotel rooms and automobiles. This is about bar tabs and greens fees. This is about extracting as much cash from elsewhere as Phoenix or Orlando or even Shreveport can extract.

Iowa was deemed more useful than Northwestern to Tampa-St. Pete last year. Today we'll learn if Iowa is more useful than Penn State to Phoenix. If it is, it's off to the Fiesta Bowl, or maybe even the Orange. If not, on to Orlando.

If you want to attach deeper meaning to it, go ahead. But I'll keep eating those lime-flavored Tostitos.