Kernels and Mr. Shucks had a good, long run, but it’s time for a new corny team name

I went for a long walk in the stifling July heat the other day, and that got me thinking … that I needed a drink of cold water.

While parched, this also passed through my mind: It’s time for Mr. Shucks to retire to an Iowa cornfield, maybe the one where the ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson emerged.

No, this opinion probably won’t go over well with the Kernels or anyone around here who isn’t big on change. Like those who dislike roundabouts on Cedar Rapids’ streets. Me, I love spinning around them, sometimes for dozens of laps before waking up or running out of gas.

What led me here were two people, John Oliver and The Gazette’s Elijah Decious. The latter wrote a recent story about a 32nd-birthday party that will be held for Cedar Rapids Kernels mascot Mr. Shucks.

The tribute is a nice gesture. Mascots don’t have it easy. It gets hot under those costumes in an Iowa summer. Plus, some people want to touch them. Not in a misguided way, mind you, but for the natural desire humans have to connect with a self-described corn aficionado with a huge head.

You may say 32 isn’t old, and normally you’d be right. For a minor-league baseball team’s nickname and mascot, though, it’s like 32 dog years. Just ask the Charleston RiverDogs or Portland Sea Dogs. Or even the Lynchburg Hillcats.

Of the 12 Midwest League franchises, only one has a team name older than the Kernels. That’s the Peoria Chiefs, and who knows what they’re thinking over there. Their mascot is Homer, a Dalmatian depicted as a firefighter. It will be a cold day in July the next time you see a dog extinguishing an inferno.

Among those in the league that have rebranded at some point, Beloit switched from the Snappers to the Sky Carp in 2022. The change has brought unprecedented pleasure to that southern Wisconsin city. Well, that and the 2020 opening of a legal cannabis dispensary in neighboring South Beloit, Ill.

A new team name means an influx of cash from merchandise sales, not to mention the buzz of it all. Want proof? In May, John Oliver had a segment on Minor League promotions during his HBO show “Last Week with John Oliver.”

Oliver gets fired up every week about bad stuff, but this got him excited in a happy way. As is often the case, the segment gave him a funny idea that he proceeded to execute.

“We are willing to use all of our resources and stupidity to give one Minor League Baseball team a total rebrand,” Oliver said near the show’s end. “We will give you a new team name. A new mascot. We will even throw you a theme night. It will be personalized and it will be bespoke.

"We will do this in the spirit of your team, city and league in which you belong. You can't ask us any questions, give us any notes, and you have to do what we come up with."

Forty-seven different minor league teams asked to be considered. That’s more than 40 percent of all MiLB teams. On June 29, he chose the Eastern League’s Erie SeaWolves, which have had that handle since 1995.

Team names with only a faint whiff of local connection aren’t uncommon. Hence the Amarillo Sod Poodles, Hartford Yard Goats, Binghamton Rumble Ponies, Hub City Spartanburgers, Rocket City Trash Pandas and Columbus Clingstones.

A clingstone, by the way, is a variety of peach. The Clingstones’ mascot is named Fuzzy. Of course.

Anyway, the Erie team submitted 11 reasons for Oliver to choose it, including “The SeaWolves play baseball nowhere near the sea.”

So, for four games this year the Seawolves will have the alternative identity “Erie Moon Mammoths.” It actually does have a local connection, and nothing whatsoever to do with the moon.

The Moon Mammoths’ July 19 debut sold out three weeks in advance. You hear that, Kernels? I’d say I can’t do everything for you, but of course I can. So I give you … the Cedar Rapids Cedar Rabbits!

That not only rolls off the tongue but is a nod to the Cedar Rapids Rabbits baseball team of more than a century ago. The mascots will be Caesar Rabbit and CeCe Rabbit. Veterans Memorial Stadium will be nicknamed “The Hutch.”

Coincidentally, a rabbit ran in front of me on that long walk. Did I mention how hot it was?

Comments: (319) 398-8440; mike.hlas@thegazette.com