Hlastradamus rides with the Cowboys ... metaphorically

Hlastradamus still lives.

He lives in your hearts, he lives in your hopes, he lives in your dreams. Wherever a child is laughing or friends are thoughtfully sharing concerns or neighbors are trying to make their corner of the world a little better, Hlastradamus lives.

But mostly, he just loiters here during the fall, spewing out predictions about college football games.

It's 2017, the year in which Billy Joel's once far-fetched song 'Miami 2017 (Seen the Lights Go Out on Broadway)' sounds like a newscast. Billy is no Hlastradamus, but who is?

The games are beginning, again. What can a prophet do except prophecize about them? Whether you have the energy to use this knowledge to attain financial security for this and your next three lifetimes is up to you.

Wyoming +11.5 at Iowa

Hlastradamus knows this about Wyoming: It has a celebrity-getaway town called Jackson Hole, which has had homeowners like Harrison Ford, Sandra Bullock, Brad Pitt, Pippa Middleton, Tiger Woods, Uma Thurman and Matthew McConaughey.

Iowa can't match that. Although, Hlastradamus hears Kim and Kanye are scouting out a three-bedroom, two-bathroom fixer-upper in North Liberty.

No man is an island, but Saturday we'll see if Cowboys quarterback Josh Allen is a peninsula. Iowa failed to cover the spread in four of its last five season-openers, so the prophet is going with the Pokes and the points.

Iowa State -14 vs. Northern Iowa

Nevada doesn't put lines on games involving FCS teams. But Hlastradamus' sphere extends well beyond the Las Vegas Strip, though he is welcomed at most major resorts there assuming he brings cash and leaves his dubious associates at home.

The seer says though the Cyclones were 3-9 in both of the two previous years, they were 7-5 ATS in both of them. That's Against The Spread for you who are neophytes to this stuff rather than degenerates.

Hlastradamus holds UNI in high regard, but Iowa State will Row the Boat in this game.

That means nothing, of course, no matter how often P.J. Fleck claims otherwise. Hlastradamus watched 15 minutes of 'Being P.J. Fleck' the other night, and it gave him a headache he expects to last at least the next three centuries.

Ball State +7 at Illinois

Hlastradamus has long insisted a school called 'Ball State' has to be good at ball sports.

Ball State suggests otherwise.

But Illinois may be ready to officially become the Rutgers of the Big Ten West. In order to really Rutgers it up, the Illini must stagger through their opener against Ball State before collapsing in a total heap before Columbus Day.

Florida +4 vs. Michigan

Florida has suspended 10 players for this game. It was 10 as this is being transmitted to you mortals, anyway. It's only Thursday.

But Michigan has just six returning starters, the fewest of any FBS team.

Granted, Jim Harbaugh isn't using walk-ons from Jugville and Slapneck to replace the legions who marched off to the NFL. Four-star and five-star recruits spin in and out of Ann Arbor. The constant is that infernal fight song the Michigan band plays 789 times per game.

However, Hlastradamus witnessed Iowa's games against Michigan and Florida last season. The Gators struck him as being more of an obstacle for the Hawkeyes. Something about that 30-3 Outback Bowl score ...

Florida State +7 vs. Alabama

Ball State-Illinois, this ain't.

The prophet will take either of these two teams and seven points anytime, anywhere against anyone.

If you're going to beat Bama, your best chance is in the first three weeks of the season. Ole Miss did it in 2015. And ... OK, no one else has done it since 2003.

This game will be a lot like Mayweather-McGregor, except it isn't boxing, Nick Saban seldom says anything interesting before a game, it isn't on pay-per-view, it isn't in Las Vegas, and there will be a demand for a rematch.

Hlastradamus says the season will begin and end with this matchup. He also knows if that somehow happens, he'll cut-and-paste this and make a big deal out of it next January. What, you thought pettiness and vanity weren't part of the afterlife?