Hlastradamus returns, touting Utes and Minny

It's been a long time since Hlastradamus has contacted me to contact you.

Where ya been, I asked the prophet in my folksy way. His reply:

Reno, Chicago, Fargo, Minnesota,

Buffalo, Toronto, Winslow, Sarasota,

Wichita, Tulsa, Ottawa, Oklahoma,

Tampa, Panama, Mattawa, La Paloma,

Bangor, Baltimore, Salvador, Amarillo,

Tocapillo, Baranquilla, and Perdilla, I'm a killer.

Really, Hlastradamus? You've been a lot of places.

I've been everywhere, man

.

Then he broke into a verse of 'Ring of Fire.”

Anyway, he did leave five predictions for Week 1 of the college football season, since he seems to get a kick out of degenerate football gamblers. Since Iowa and Iowa State are playing FCS teams and their games aren't posted at MGM Resorts properties, their games aren't posted this week.

I'm through plugging Wynn Las Vegas, by the way. For two years, I used Wynn's numbers and you'd think there might have been one comped room, maybe a meal, an iced mocha. Nope.

You had your chance, Steve Wynn. Now, if the good people at MGM Resorts would appreciate this great publicity, I'm taking my business offshore.

In the meantime, Hlastradamus isn't waiting for the weekend. He's got two plays for tonight. They are:

Utah -4.5 vs. Michigan

Jim Harbaugh, walks on water, yadda, yadda. Uh, Utah didn't allow Michigan's offense to reach the red zone last year in the Utes' 26-10 win in Ann Arbor. Utah is home.

Utah would be Hlastadamus' pick to win the Big Ten West if the Big Ten's West extended west of the Rockies.

Minnesota +16.5 vs. TCU

Yes, TCU is No. 2 in the country, might have been the second-best team at the end of last season, and so on.

But Minnesota, are you someone or aren't you? If you are, you don't get beaten by 17 points at home to anybody. You only lost by seven points at home to Ohio State last year, and that was the only home game you lost.

This is a showcase game for the Gophers. If they lose as everyone says they will, they'll remain out of the national consciousness. But if they win? It's a brave, new world in Dinkytown.

Here are two plays for Saturday:

Northwestern +12 vs. Stanford

Phil Steele picks Stanford to win the Pac-12 North. That's Stanford, not Oregon.

Fine and dandy. But in Game 1 against a Northwestern team that has so much to prove after two straight 5-7 seasons, the seer will happily take a dozen points.

Imagine, if you will, the size of the Big Ten's head if Minnesota beats TCU, Northwestern downs Stanford, and Wisconsin upsets Alabama. Which brings us to ...

Wisconsin +10.5 vs. Alabama in Arlington, Texas

Hlastradamus isn't sold on Wisconsin as being a surefire Big Ten West champ this season with a new head coach and rebuilt offensive line, but thinks the Badgers will have learned from their 28-24 loss to LSU in Houston that started last year.

Plus, the last time the Badgers played the Crimson Tide, Wisconsin was a 15-0 winner. Sure, it was back in 1928, but a precedent has been set.

This brings us to Monday and ...

Ohio State -12 at Virginia Tech

Two things set this up for a Buckeyes rout. One, OSU lost 35-21 to the Hokies last year in Columbus. That was the Buckeyes' last loss, and it's the last thing they need to correct as the reigning kings of college football.

Secondly, in something that has somehow not brought about the wrath of America, Virginia Tech's coaching staff apparently had been fining its players actual cash money for a variety of violations, like missing a team breakfast or drawing a personal foul penalty.

You can't do something like that without it biting you, hard. Hlastradamus, being part of a universe you mortals can only inaccurately portray in lousy movies, knows how karma works.

The Buckeyes will bite the Hokies. Hard.