Hlastradamus: Don’t put your pittances on Pitt

Hlastradamus isn't perfect. Once he thought he was wrong. But he wasn't.

The prophet kids you mortals. Last week, in fact, he was an imperfect (OK, brutal) 1-4 against the spread to undo the great work of his 4-1 opening week. He has an excuse. He was out doing promotional work for EL VY, a couple of kids who have put out this snappy tune called 'Return to the Moon.”

But it's all serious business this week. Call it a Return to the Boon.

Iowa -5

vs. Pittsburgh

The Hawkeyes' march to a 12-0 regular-season continues with this glorious - Hold up. Hlastradamus doesn't do long-term predictions. He only works on a month-to-month contract. He may need to check out of here later this fall to work on Lincoln Chafee's presidential campaign.

Pitt has too many 'Seinfeld” references to be taken seriously. First, the name 'Pitt” reminds Hlastradamus of Mr. Pitt, Elaine's gruff and somewhat insane boss for a while. Also, one of the Panthers' top two quarterbacks is Nate Peterman. Surely you know J. Peterman of the J. Peterman catalog.

Illinois +9.5

at North Carolina

The Fighting Illini's march to a 12-0 regular-season continues with this glorious - Hold up. Hlastradamus only works on a month-to-month contract. He may need to check out of here later this fall to work on George Pataki's presidential campaign.

Wisconsin -35

vs. Troy

OK, you start out by playing Alabama. That didn't go so well.

So how do you heal from that? You play Miami (Ohio), Troy and Hawaii in succession at home and treat them like the here-only-for-a-fat-paycheck foes they are.

Last week, it was Badgers 58, Miami 0. Substitute 'Troy” for 'Miami.”

By the way, you're doing this all wrong, Wisconsin. You should go to Hawaii, not the other way around.

Alabama -7

vs. Mississippi

Ole Miss is averaging 74.5 points per game. So Bama will need to score 82 to cover in this one, right?

Uh, no. The Rebels aren't playing Tennessee-Martin or Fresno State, and they aren't playing in the comfort of quaint Oxford, Miss.

Alabama doesn't kid around about things like this.

Iowa State +7.5

at Toledo

The seer is leery about this, but he's leerier about disturbances in the psychic atmosphere.

One such cosmic event happened two Thursday nights ago when Toledo played what was supposed to be its season-opener at home against Stony Brook.

First-half weather delays totaled three hours, then the game was called just before the second-half kickoff. Which would have come after midnight.

Toledo led 16-7, but the game became an official 'no contest.”

OK, the Rockets did rocket out of Arkansas last Saturday with an upset victory. But Arkansas clearly had its own psychic disturbance that day. Or else it just played lousy football. The prophet can't keep track of all this stuff.