Hlas: Hot takes, get your red-hot takes here

Surely you've heard the term 'hot takes.' Google it, and this definition is at the top of the page:

A 'piece of deliberately provocative commentary that is based almost entirely on shallow moralizing' in response to a news story, 'usually written on tight deadlines with little research or reporting, and even less thought.'

Turn on any cable news network, and you can't go 15 seconds without hearing a hot take. Ditto many national radio/TV sports talk shows. SiriusXM has a channel called Mad Dog Sports Radio. The 'Coolly Rational Sports Talk' channel won't be on any drawing boards in the foreseeable future.

Give us hot takes. Steaming, searing, soul-crushing hot takes.

He's a monster, she's a witch, entire segments of society are cults of demons. I'm totally right. You're not just wrong, you're criminally insane.

Gray areas? Good luck finding one of those on any maps made in 2016.

You almost feel sorry for people who try to see both sides of a story, for those who think truth usually resides somewhere between the extremes. Those poor fools have lost their way.

But let's narrow this down to May 6, 2016, in sports, in Iowa. Is there anything around here to really have a hot take about? What's inflammatory? What needs to be changed this very moment?

The men's basketball programs at our state universities seem to be in good shape. Iowa State's new football coach, Matt Campbell, appears to be off to a great start when it comes to recruiting.

Iowa football? The Hawkeyes are ranked 14th in one national website's very early preseason rankings, a whole lot of spots higher than they were a year ago.

Last winter/spring/summer was hot take heaven/hell around here. Had you said or written anything suggesting Hawkeye football might not be the grease fire so many insisted it was, you'd have been blindfolded and taken to an undisclosed location for intelligence reprogramming.

It was over. The game had passed Kirk Ferentz by. I have the saved emails to prove it.

Two weeks ago Ferentz was presented the Bobby Dodd Trophy for National Coach of the Year. Happy days not only are here again for Iowa football, but there's nothing on the horizon but blue skies, happy tunes, and stampeding over the rest of the Big Ten West.

Whatever moment in time you find yourself in is the only reference point you need. Dismiss the past, and don't consider more than one possibility for the future.

Thursday, the Indiana Pacers fired coach Frank Vogel and the hot takes came pouring out from people insisting Pacers President Larry Bird would be unlikely to find anyone who could do a better job than Vogel did this season.

The world apparently is full of people who know more than Larry Bird about how to succeed in the NBA. Of course, Bird may also be dead-wrong. I'll probably just wait and see how next season goes, which obviously is crazy talk.

I'm the last person who should throw stones about this, granted. Why, today's column was going to be my hot takes about college football satellite camps, an enduring topic this spring. But after hours of crafting the essay, I came to a moment of clarity and realized something about satellite camps. Namely, I couldn't care less about them.

That's a cold take. Those don't sell, so let's close with this:

Half of you are wrong about everything and need to be put in your place before life as we know it is destroyed. I'd elaborate, but we all know which half is which.