Free your mind and ignore the ignorable, like influencers and exit velocity

Happy Mother’s Day.

That fine occasion is forever exempt from the list of things you must clear from the clutter of your minds. Like Tuesday’s National Buttermilk Biscuit Day. Or National High Heel Day on May 20. Or National Smile Day on May 31.

Those things are real, but they’re not sensational.

Here are other things you need to ignore to keep the things that actually matter between your ears:

Paying attention to which players are on the cover of EA Sports College Football 25. Or the video game itself.

“The game is a big part of the culture of the sport,” ESPN’s Chris Fowler told USA TODAY Sports.

So is CTE, but that doesn’t make it right.

Here’s more for your brainpan to skip:

Televised pickleball

If you play the game, great. As a rule, though, it’s best to shun sports named after cucumbers soaked in vinegar.

Watching it on TV? You may be pickled yourself.

Exit velocity, launch angles, or any relatively new baseball statistics that inexplicably have become part of the sport.

How hard a ball was hit, how quickly it left the bat, and the path it took aren’t quite as useful to know as this: Did it exit the playing field in fair territory?

If it did, it’s a home run. Those count.

Jersey numbers

You need to know your phone number, your blood pressure number, the numbers on the backs of the prisoners who just escaped a federal penitentiary and reportedly are headed toward your garage.

Whether the second-team left guard of the Houston Texans wears No. 61 or No. 62 is the kind of tripe that crams your cranium and stops you from remembering where you left your car in a department store parking lot.

Saudi Arabian soccer results

If you need an explanation why you needn’t fill your skull with such mush, speak up. You’ll be placed on the first bus to Restart Your Life Summer Camp.

There are countless pro soccer league around the world, and a line must be drawn. Which reminds me, the results of Saturday’s Peruvian Liga 1 matches can be found on the agate page of this sports section. If not, the sports editor will send personal apologies to all who demand one.

Anyone who uses “epic,” “classic” or “historic” to describe moments in sports

Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey were epics. A double-overtime playoff hockey game is not.

“Casablanca” is a classic. “The Sopranos” is a classic. Martha and the Vandellas’ “Dancing in the Streets” is a classic. A November college basketball tournament in Myrtle Beach is not.

The creation of smartphones was historic. So was the COVID-19 pandemic. Six quarterbacks getting picked in the first round of last month’s NFL draft was not.

Iowa being No. 6 in this year’s U.S. News & World Report ranking of the 50 best states

Don’t celebrate that too quickly. Nebraska is No. 3. Hawaii is No. 34. Something seems wildly askew, don’t you think?

Keep these rankings out of your noggins, especially when planning a winter vacation.

The Preakness Stakes

This year’s horse racing season began with the start of the Kentucky Derby. It ended two minutes and three seconds later.

The Dinner Party Stakes will be held at Pimlico Saturday a couple hours before the Preakness. If the Preakness were called the Dinner Party Stakes, it would deserve to share space in our cerebrums with our Netflix passwords.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

In 2016 and 2019, Time magazine named Johnson one of the 100 most-influential people in the world.

Which explains why, in 2024, finding a copy of Time is harder than spotting a Starbucks in the Serengeti. If The Rock has influenced you in any way, shape or form, you may be living under a rock.

Speaking of influencers …

Influencers

If people in sports or any other walk of life call themselves an influencer, they are under the influence of peyote.

Also, build walls to keep “insiders” out. NFL insider, NBA insider, Washington insider, whatever. Insiders are like patriots. If they identify themselves to you as being such, they’re probably not. Unless they’re insiders because they accidentally locked themselves inside their bathrooms.

Artificial intelligence

Don’t fill your noodle with AI concerns. It isn’t a threat to your way of life no matter how many well-founded fears are conveyed to you.

The previous paragraph was suggested by an AI chatbot. Who am I to argue?

Comments: (319) 398-8440; mike.hlas@thegazette.com