Pants-Free Parenting: Sign me up for the next mission to Mars

In the year 2023, the company Mars One is preparing to establish a human settlement on Mars. The application on the Mars One website, describes grueling physical and emotional conditions. Applicants must be resilient, adaptable, curious, able to trust and resourceful.

The website also outlines the training that astronauts will receive in harsh conditions. The site notes: 'These trials will demonstrate whether they are suitable for all elements of the task ahead. Can the astronauts keep the group functioning? Will they keep a cool head when confronted with a challenge? Can they effectively and efficiently solve given and uprising problems?”

I feel like the same training should be given to parents living in the Midwest. Sure, living in a small pod in a harsh environment, surrounded by only a few humans, sounds rough. But have you been snowbound for four days with two toddlers? I have, recently. I went insane. I actually got to the point in my mental decline where I thought it was a good idea to fill a water table with beans.

I drove to the grocery store and bought $23.80 worth of beans, probably enough to feed all of Latin America. The cashier at Hy Vee looked at the pile of beans on the conveyor belt and my sniffling snot-nosed children and asked, 'What are you doing?”

'Making a lot of soup,” I said. 'A lot.”

'Well, I hope you have taken the kids to the doctor for those noses,” she replied.

I smiled. 'Oh no, I didn't, this is part of my germ warfare technique.” Considering what people think is appropriate to tell you about your children in check-out aisle, I wouldn't mind fleeing this planet all together. When we got home, I dumped all $23.80 into the children's water table in my living room just so I could finish a freaking cup of coffee. I did consider dried corn, but I thought, no that will be too messy. Which just shows you the state I was in, because let me tell you, beans are plenty messy, especially when your children start dumping them on each other's head. But you don't care, because all you can think of is how you'd have to move from the chair to stop them.

I recently heard a radio interview with one of the women selected for the mission to colonize Mars. She discussed how she would have to leave her family and her loved ones in order to be cooped up in a small space with no fresh air and no plants. Is it wrong? I thought that sounded like a vacation. I wanted to call into the program and ask, 'Yes, but can you pee alone? Yes? So you are saying it is a vacation? Where can I sign up?”

At least astronauts get training and technology. Me? I have beans and a quickly dwindling supply of coffee and sanity.

' Lyz Lenz is a writer, mother of two and hater of pants. Email her at eclenz@gmail.com or find her writing at LyzLenz.com.