“Iowa Nice” Puts Jovial Spin on Hawkeye State

Finally, Jan. 4 has arrived. The Iowa caucuses are history. We can put them and Stephen Bloom's controversial "Observations from 20 years of Iowa Life" article on The Atlantic website behind us.

No longer do we have to pretend that we're all meth addicts with rotten teeth cooking up the next batch in an abandoned farmhouse, that a Friday night date at a tractor pull was the highlight of our lives, that we're just living in the country counting the days of boredom until we die.

Sure fooled him, didn't we?

Now we can go about our lives without the media-induced microscopic stares. Or, can we?

As long as we're in Iowa, the Heartland, people from outside our borders will have their opinions of us.

During my year-end desk cleaning, I ran across a news release with a West Palm Beach, Fla., dateline about a book written by retired newspaper columnist Ron Wiggins. He never lived in Iowa but got this notion from meeting Iowans and reading about us. He thinks we're a good bunch, hence, his book, "Iowa Nice: Genial Jokes for a Gentle People."

If you'll pardon the pun, the book is full of "corny" jokes. In fact, the cover depicts a smile over an ear of corn so the kernels double as teeth.

To set the tone, Ron opens his book:

"To the people of Iowa, good sports all, and by good sports I mean folks who can lose at Monopoly to a gloater with hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place and not want to shove a tiny choo-choo up somebody's nose."

Ummmm.

On his website he explains that Iowans are nice, "but what else would you expect from Midwesterners who grew up minding their manners, moms, scoutmaster, 4-H leaders and earning perfect attendance Sunday school pins?"

OK, so he lays it on a little thick. Especially when he talks about community sings, ice cream socials and riding bunting-festooned bicycles in an Independence Day parade.

But, he also says, "Iowans represent our better selves, the big brothers and sisters we wanted to look up to."

So, brace yourself for lines like this:

• All Iowa beauty pageants end the same: One winner and 19 Miss Congenialties.
• Iowa cats come when called; dogs remember to put the toilet seat down after drinking.
• As for straight-dealing - when an Iowan closes a savings account, the bank returns the money in the same knotted handkerchief.
• How does a diner know when he or she has overtipped an Iowa waitress? She chases him down the street waving money.
• What makes an Iowan happy? When it's her turn to hold the puppy.
• Iowans slump in their seats at the picture show. Not because they have bad posture, but so the person in back of them can see.
• Iowans may wear out their invitations, but never their welcome.

If you'd like to order "Iowa Nice: Genial Jokes for a Gentle People," ($10, 102 pages) go to www.iowanice.com or download the Kindle version ($3) at Amazon.com.

Just be prepared groan as you laugh.

Comments: (319) 398-8323; dave.rasdal@sourcemedia.net