An ideal session for Republicans’ ideal Iowans

Republican lawmakers have adjourned at last. Much is being written about what they passed and didn’t pass and what it all means.

But I think, through the legislation they considered and approved, lawmakers have provided us a picture of what they see as their ideal Iowa. And an ideal Iowa, naturally, would be populated by ideal Iowans. The Republican-controlled Legislature and Gov. Kim Reynolds also have given us a pretty clear picture of what they consider to be an ideal Iowan they truly represent.

They’ve also made it clear who is not the ideal Iowan. Less-than-ideal Iowans have the options of remaining silent, moving out or abandoning your ideals, ideally. Ideal Iowans are tired of hearing your whining. As the governor’s spokesman once put it so eloquently on Twitter, “Cry more lib.”

It seems the ideal Iowan is a middle-aged guy, white, straight and Christian. Ideally, the ideal Iowan raises hogs, thousands of them, is a meatpacking executive or leads any large business with enough earnings to permit him to make five- or six-figure donations to GOP lawmakers and the governor. The ideal Iowan might even have a private jet.

The ideal Iowan would never be in a situation where he needed unemployment help, food assistance, a housing voucher or other government safety net programs. He knows people who get free stuff are just lazy and don’t want to work. He once saw someone talking on a cellphone while buying crab legs with a SNAP card, or maybe it was a friend of his who saw it. Regardless, it happens all the time.

Sure, his business might benefit from government incentives, subsidies, tax cuts, credits and exemptions, regulatory loopholes or lax environmental protection. But the ideal Iowan knows these pro-growth policies are not at all the same as free stuff for lazy crab leg phone people. It’s economic development. This is what the big campaign donations are for, ideally.

The ideal Iowan is not scared of a pandemic that has killed 6,000 Iowans and millions more around the world. The ideal Iowan actually questions those numbers. What did they really die of? He wonders.

The ideal Iowan knows the whole COVID-19 thing was overblown by liberals and their media pals trying to rob us of our freedom. Mask rules were a violation of the ideal Iowan’s constitutional right to make personal choices about his health. The ideal Iowan is pro-freedom.

The ideal Iowan supports banning abortion.

The ideal Iowan is scared of transgender kids using the bathroom and playing girls’ sports. The ideal Iowan knows relieving his personal discomfort with something he doesn’t understand is far more important than letting people live their authentic lives in peace.

The ideal Iowan also is afraid of a wave of radical socialism that will surely destroy Iowa and country. He knows it all starts with liberal indoctrination in public schools and at state universities. Fox News, Newsmax and OAN have done extensive coverage, but the ideal Iowan knows the mainstream media will just continue to ignore this important story.

The ideal Iowan knows that even in a state where Republicans control the governor’s office, Legislature and have appointed much of the judiciary, he still is the victim of liberal persecution. The cancel culture will come for him any minute now. The local paper is run by communists.

The ideal Iowan knows we’ve got to start policing speech if we want our kids to learn real American values.

The ideal Iowan knows the 2020 election was stolen from our former president. He can’t cite much credible evidence, but he just has a strong feeling. The whole thing was rigged by liberals and their media pals. The ideal Iowan knows the harder we make it to vote, the fewer wrongheaded voters will cast ballots by mail (lazy) for free stuff. Especially in “urban” areas.

The ideal Iowan also thinks it’s OK for landlords to deny housing to people using federal vouchers to pay rent. He’s heard the stories about “Chicago people.”

The ideal Iowan insists he’s not racist, and Iowa is not racist. And he believes what’s really racist is talking about systemic racism and white privilege. The ideal Iowan wants everybody to stop talking about racism. It makes him angry and uncomfortable. But the ideal Iowan is in no way fragile.

The ideal Iowan was appalled by last summer’s Black Lives Matter demonstrations. They spray-painted buildings, blocked roads and refused to disperse! The ideal Iowan knows these Marxists agitators and Antifa terrorists should be in jail. Throw away the key.

But the ideal Iowan is willing to cut some slack for a guy like himself who might accidentally drive into a protest and hit someone. Or menace protesters with a gun outside his mansion.

Besides, the ideal Iowan has never had a problem with police, even when he gets pulled over for speeding in his $50,000 pickup truck.

The ideal Iowan thinks all this nonsense about dirty water and agricultural pollution are overblown. Iowa farmers are doing everything they can to protect the environment. The ideal Iowan read all about it on the Farm Bureau website. Problem solved.

Climate change? Don’t even get the ideal Iowan started.

But the ideal Iowan is certain the leftists are coming for his meat.

The ideal Iowan’s kids left the state for college. He isn’t sure why they didn’t want to stay. But, ideally, he’d like them to come home soon.

(319) 398-8262; todd.dorman@thegazette.com