Repairing relationships requires choosing to heal and to forgive

The exact cause is forgotten, but Marcy Oberbreckling figures the five-year split with her brother started with their mother's death.

“I don't really know what happened, except that it was a really stressful situation,” said Oberbreckling, 37, of Mechanicsville. “I don't know if it was necessarily avoiding each other on purpose, but we didn't cross paths very often.”

Counselors and therapists say that's not as uncommon as you might think.

“A lot of times, that tends to be the case,” said the Rev. Randy Lyle, director of Mount Mercy University's marriage and family therapy program and an Episcopal priest. “One person attributes ill motives to what the other person did or didn't know. They made an assumption and they acted on that assumption, and most of the time it's hard for us to go back on our actions.”

The counselors consulted for this article weren't commenting on specific cases and weren't consulted by Oberbreckling. Those who've gone through or tried to help someone with an estranged relationship find common threads, though.

“It was sort of an odd, awkward situation. We're both kind of stubborn,” Oberbreckling said. “We're all the same way and then feelings get hurt, but nobody said anything and it just kind of snowballed from there.”

Once set, patterns become harder to break as time passes.

“If they don't have that opportunity, people will just sort of stay in that anger phase,” said Yvonne Farley, a clinical assistant professor in the University of Iowa's School of Social Work.

Phases of damaged relationship

Anger is the first of four phases for repairing a damaged relationship as identified by Robert Enright, a psychologist and faculty member at the University of Wisconsin.

Farley said Enright's “Forgiveness is a Choice” has been a useful self-help reference for those working through the four stages. After anger, the other stages are understanding the other point of view, making the choice to heal and reaching out to the other person.

“People will recognize the need to be angry, but they'll move through it,” Farley said. “People can make a conscious need to believe the person that hurt them was doing the best they could at the time.”

“Sometimes it's as easy as saying, ‘If you put yourself in the other person's shoes, what would it look like?' ” said Mount Mercy's Lyle. “Suddenly you go, ‘Oh, they weren't being a jerk; they were depressed or upset.' ”

Of course, it's best if each party is at least willing to consider the other's experience.

“One of the things that really makes a difference is when both parties are willing to work on it,” said Christine Rogers Cork, clinical services director for Horizons, the family services agency in Cedar Rapids. “Keeping the door open is really important.”

Ann Alliger agreed. “There may be some things that need to be said, but at what point do you move forward?” said Alliger, director of outpatient behavioral services for Mercy Family Counseling in Cedar Rapids. “You focus on what you can do and try to stay away from laying the blame.”

Dialogue has to wait until the emotional intensity has died down, though, Farley said.

A useful tool mentioned by more than one counselor: writing a letter, regardless of whether it's mailed.

“That's a nice way to get things going again,” said Rogers Cork. “The recipient can choose whether to open it or not, and they don't have to open right away. It allows them to pace themselves.”

Rogers Cork cautions that if the letter's meant to be read, use old-fashioned postal mail, not email.

“It's too easy to send,” she said of email. “Sometimes you send it in the heat of the moment and you say, ‘OK, I'd like that back now.' ”

It ended up easier for Oberbreckling and her brother, who simply happened to go to the same Cedar Rapids swimming pool one day last summer.

“He saw me and I saw him, and I didn't know what to do,” she said. “I didn't know if I had done anything to make him angry. He came over and put his arm around me and said, ‘I'm five feet away, and you're not going to say anything?' We talked a little bit, and we hugged and said our I-love-yous.”

'Boils down to forgiveness'

“Whether you think of it in religious terms or secular terms, what it boils down to is forgiveness,” said Lyle, the Episcopal priest. “Forgiveness makes you healthy.”

The alternative can be destructive, especially in cases where the estrangement is much more bitter than in Oberbreckling's.

“It kind of connects to the idea of resiliency and identifying a different meaning to the events that have happened,” said Farley. “Resiliency and forgiveness go together so well. When you try to understand why the other person made the choice they chose, you're usually already moving to a different understanding.”

The maxim “forgive and forget” doesn't hold up, though, Lyle has found.

“Nobody does that,” he said. “The goal of forgiveness is to remember differently. Forgiveness is not acceptance. You hold them accountable in a way that says they are also capable of change.”

Oberbreckling still doesn't see her brother all that often, but knowing he's there makes a difference.

“We still don't talk that often, but we make a point to at least say hi,” she said. “His daughter tends to get ahold of his phone and calls me once in a while. We've kind of mended that fence.”

And it feels better.

“Just talking about him, I can probably cheer up,” Oberbreckling said. “He was my protector, and losing him for that five years hurt me terribly - for him not to know my son or daughter and for me not to know his hurt.

“I've learned from this situation. I've learned to pick and choose and not completely burn that bridge.”