Emerging Leaders: What’s the best way to approach a mentor?

Working with mentors outside your team or your company can be a valuable experience because they can provide a level of objectivity that mentors in your direct management chain might lack.

In an email I received recently, a subscriber to my newsletter asked, 'What is the best way to approach a potential mentor outside my company? Is it through personal connections or cold calling via email?'

Have you ever heard the saying, 'Life begins at the end of your comfort zone'? The fact is that finding a great mentor in any arena — at work, out of work, in leadership, in a field of technical expertise, etc. — can be a challenge.

But you don't need to start by cold calling. So how do you find them?

I don't recommend approaching someone you don't know and asking them to mentor you. Here's why: You need to break the ice and build up some trust first. If they don't know you, they won't feel comfortable giving you the type of no-holds-barred, honest feedback and finely tuned advice that you're looking for.

Plus, if you introduce yourself to someone for the first time and, in the same breath, ask them to be your mentor, it's too much too soon. It's like getting down on one knee and asking for someone's hand in marriage on your first date.

A better approach is to start by requesting an informational meeting.

Here's how to ask:

Let them know that they are someone you admire, and ask if they'd be willing to schedule a 20-minute informational meeting to answer some career-related questions.

Here's why it works:

You flattered them. People like that. And, you only asked for 20 minutes. Most people, even busy ones, can set aside that amount of time, and if they can't — just let it go. They're simply too busy.

Here's how to prepare:

Let's say they agree. Now you'll need to prepare to make it a great conversation. Dig deep and think of least three very real career or leadership questions that you would like them to answer.

Here are three categories to consider:

1. Stories — Prepare one question that encourages your prospective mentor to tell a story from his or her own career, such as 'How did you get to where you are today?'

2. Situations — Bring a situation that you'd like assistance with, such as, 'How can I persuade my boss to trust me with a high-profile assignment?'

3. Skills — Think of a skill you're currently working on, such as time management, delegation or public speaking and ask for advice on how to improve.

Asking at least one of each type of question will pretty much guarantee that it will be mutually beneficial discussion.

Be gracious about the gift of their time and respectful of the 20 minute slot you requested. Even if it seems as if they want to keep talking, don't assume that's the case. Ask if it's OK before you go over time.

If the meeting goes well, let them know. Ask if they would be interested in meeting again on a regular basis — quarterly, for example. If they say yes …

you've got a mentor.

• Jo Miller is founding editor of BeLeaderly.com and CEO of Women's Leadership Coaching Inc.; @jo_miller