Pants-Free Parenting: Mother rethinks, simplifies her wish for her children

Years before I had children, my dear neighbor Natalie, who has five children, told me something I didn't believe. She said, 'All I want for my children is to have peaceful, happy lives.”

My husband and I had just moved into our house on the southeast side of Cedar Rapids. The house was 90 years old and we were young and childless and fell into the world of DIY and frozen pizza. We often asked our neighbors for help - they loaned us tools, ladders, expertise and a lot of wine.

A year after moving their youngest to college and eight years after we moved in across the street, Natalie and Joe sold their home. It's been a few months and I still look across the street for their international symbol of 'It's OK to come over” - the open front door. Lately, I've been missing Natalie's advice.

What color to paint my walls? Where to hang this picture? And how do I kindly tell my kids that while I'm sorry that they bumped into a pillow and it hurt their feelings, they should probably just suck it up and stop whining?

But more than that, I've been thinking about what she said about her children. How she wanted them to be peaceful and happy. When she first told me that, I'm sure I made a face. I didn't understand how a parent could not want their child to be a brain surgeon, cure cancer, explore Mars, or crack the code of the God particle.

When my daughter was born, I was sure she was brilliant. Her AGPAR scores were off the charts - ergo she'd probably go to Harvard and then be a Supreme Court judge.

Then, I had my son. In many ways he is more challenging than my daughter. This is mostly not his fault. I have two kids now. He gets less attention than my daughter did at his age. But he also likes to smear Vaseline all over the couch and run out the front door screaming 'Kitty!” whenever he sees a cat. This is just who he is and I love him for every bit of his clever, mischievous heart. But having him has made me shift my parenting goals. No more Supreme Court dreams, I just want my kids to stay out of jail for the next 16 years.

Recently, my daughter has started doing activities like dance and soccer. Previously, she's been too young for anything quite so organized. But a few weeks ago, she had her first dance recital. It's something she's been talking about ever since I read her a book about a dancing mouse. She calls it 'the big show.” She's had dreams about it for the past year, waking up at night to tell me that 'mean guys wrecked the show.” She's loved every lesson. She's begged to practice her dance routine and warned me not to ruin her costume tights.

This is something she wanted. I didn't enroll her in dance because I wanted her to be there, I enrolled her because she wanted to. And watching her on stage, I was struck by the truth of Natalie's words all those years ago.

She wasn't saying she didn't want her children to be 'great” or 'excellent.” She was saying that it wasn't for her to want that. Children come to you as they are. As parents it's our job to pave the way for them to be exactly who they need to be to find peace and happiness.

After the show my daughter was so happy that she had tears in her eyes. She hugged me and kissed me and showed me her medal.

Happiness isn't the goal itself; happiness is the byproduct of a life well lived. Holding her in my arms while she sniffed her roses, I knew that Supreme Court or princess - which is what she says she wants to be when she grows up - is not for me to want or decide. But the peace and happiness of my children's heart? Well, I will try to help them get there.

Lyz Lenz is a writer, mother of two and hater of pants. Email her at eclenz@gmail.com or find her writing at LyzLenz.com.