From carrying pain around 'like luggage,' Cedar Rapids woman finds new life, hope

CEDAR RAPIDS — Robyn Dickson no longer wants to numb her feelings, whether it be sorrow or joy, and today she is wholeheartedly celebrating Christmas for the first time in many, many years.

'Now I have an attitude of gratitude,' Dickson said shaking her head, making her loose curls spring out as she spoke. 'The holidays have always been difficult for me. I lost family members at this time. I became too self-loathing and couldn't celebrate anything.'

Dickson, 59, went from 'Miss Corporate America to local criminal' — her words — as she sunk so low into grief after losing her older brother Thumper that it led to a nervous breakdown.

Last week she talked about going to that 'dark place' after seeing her brother take his last breath on Valentine's Day 2000. After his death, her depression worsened and she lost her career as an insurance benefits agent in Florida.

'I lost my confidence …

I lost my whole self,' she recalled flatly.

Dickson came back to Cedar Rapids, where she had grown up, but she was guilt ridden over not being able to take care of Thumper's children, as he wished. His sons went to prison and her life continued on a downward spiral.

'We carry around our feelings and pain like luggage,' Dickson said. 'We keep stuffing and stuffing until the load becomes too heavy and we fold. That's what happened to me and it nearly destroyed me.'

Instead of unpacking and feeling pain, Dickson turned to drugs — crack cocaine, to numb loss, numb her failure. She then started to deal drugs to support her addiction.

Her first possession charge happened in 2008 after she lost her mother and grandfather, and then Dickson did the unthinkable — she tried to kill herself. As she related the incident, it seemed as if she were talking about someone else.

'I never thought that would be me,' Dickson said, waving her hands in emphasis. 'I never thought I would do crack or that my life would collapse.'

She received probation on the possession charge but didn't do well. Dickson racked up nine violations and didn't stop using or dealing.

In 2012, she again was arrested, but this time for the more serious charge of dealing cocaine. She was nabbed during a controlled buy. Someone 'close' to her wore a wire as a police informant that day.

A strong attitude

Dickson was facing 15 years in prison, but she caught a break and had the opportunity instead to enter the Linn County Drug Court. She initially was interested because it was a way to keep her out of prison.

The structured program is designed not only to treat addiction but give the offenders tools and resources, such as mental health counseling, education and work training, to be successful at in all aspects of their lives.

Kathy McGinnis, 6th Judicial District probation officer and former community treatment coordinator, said Dickson was a challenge in the beginning.

'She was strong and independent, and didn't like the idea of the team (judge, probation officials, treatment and mental health counselors) running her life,' McGinnis said.

Sixth Judicial District Judge Fae Hoover-Grinde said Dickson was on the line of not being accepted because of that strong attitude.

However, the team did accept her, McGinnis said, and she did 'fantastic.' Dickson changed every aspect of her life. She even said goodbye to her boyfriend at the time, who wasn't a positive influence.

She successfully graduated and has become the court's certified peer support recovery specialist who leads support groups and plans social activities for the participants.

Dickson laughed after hearing those early comments and agreed, saying it took a while to embrace the program. But she has been clean and sober, without any relapses, since July 16, 2012.

She graduated in Jan. 2014.

'I was scared at first and didn't know if I could be clean and sober,' she said shaking her head. 'I saw a sign one day that said 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step,' and that's what I'm doing — taking one day at a time.'

Her biggest challenge or barrier was getting back in the workforce and starting over. She went through some job training, as part of the court program, and worked various places but then landed a more permanent employment at the African American Museum of Iowa. She is now the operations coordinator.

'I would tell others don't regret your past …

, unpack that (emotional) luggage,' Dickson said emphatically. 'You can learn from it.

'This year, I'm looking forward to the holidays. I'm able to take care of my nephew, who inspires me, and enjoy helping others and being part of my community.

'If a hopeless, helpless, broken addict like me can live and love life, you can, too. I like Robyn today.'