An obituary for Uncle Sam

Uncle Sam, aged 248, passed away on Friday, Feb. 28, 2025 in Washington, D.C. after a monthlong affliction ending with euthanasia. No funeral services will be held, and private burial rites will be in every American household at times yet to be determined.

Sam was born on July 4, 1776 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. His youth was filled with tumult and uncertainty, and his survival was far from certain. Even so, his parents fostered and reinforced in him the idea of freedom — a concept that would be the bedrock of Sam’s attitudes throughout his life.

After a rough start, Sam continued to grow in strength and size and developed a genuinely independent personality. He knew many happy times as well as some trying ones, but through it all, Sam held fast to his optimistic attitude, strong work ethic and a dedication to do what was right.

Sam had his share of struggles and was not perfect, but everyone who befriended him grew to realize that they had in Sam a strong and faithful partner. Until recently, he could be counted on no matter how difficult the task. During the last month though, this long and noble life of service to his family and friends was systematically and tragically ended.

Survivors include his partner of 138 years Lady Liberty, daughter Rosie the Riveter, and son GI Joe. Extended family includes 48.3% of the voting public. Memorials and expressions of condolence can be relayed through your elected representatives.

John Madland

Central City