Let children grow with success, failure

Editor's note: Nancy Justis is a former competitive swimmer and college sports information director. She is a partner with Justis Creative Communications.

By Nancy Justis, correspondent

Confidence begets competence. Or competence begets confidence. The chicken or the egg.

I guess I should begin with some definitions. Webster's American Dictionary defines confidence this way: 'Trust in a person or thing ... A feeling of assurance or certainty.” Competence is defined as: 'The state or quality of being competent (properly qualified, able).”

Confused? In either case, confidence and competence go hand in hand. 'Changing the Game: The Parents Guide to Raising Happy, High-Performing Athletes and Giving Youth Sports Back to the Kids” explains it this way: 'The more competent we are, the more confidence we have in our performance. And the more confident we are, the more likely we are to seek out ways to become more competent ... As your child develops competence in a sport, his confidence also increases ... Confidence is a natural byproduct of skill.”

How can you help your children build competence? Ever heard of the Slanty Line theory of learning developed by Dr. Muska Mosston? It goes against the traditional concept of learning. Mosston gives the example of the game where a stick begins low to the ground where all kids can jump over it. As the stick is raised, more children begin to drop out because they can't meet the height. Eventually there is one winner. This is counter-productive because the children who need the activity the most are the ones eliminated first.

The solution is to slant the stick so one end is lower than the other. Children can run and jump and feel successful at their own pace. When players feel comfortable they seek new challenges and participate at their own skill level. Slanty Line activities allow children of all levels to play together. That's what youth sports should be about.

Children need parental help in becoming confident. Goal setting is one key component. You should help them set goals that are progress-driven, making comparisons to his or her previous scores, not comparisons to a teammate. The process is what makes them better.

It's difficult to watch a child fail. But failure is a fact of life. My 6-year-old grandson becomes very pouty when he fails to perform in a way he deems 'perfect.” My daughter explained it to him this way. 'Even college players make mistakes. Did you see where the kicker had to make a tackle because everyone else missed the runner?”

His response: 'Oh, so that's why kickers also where pads.” He was in a better mood the rest of the day.

Children need parents, coaches, teachers and others in their lives who believe in them no matter what. Research shows failures do not ruin their self-esteems. Self-esteem comes from achievement. So let them fail and also let them figure a lot out on their own.

Besides having people around them who believe in them, confidence also comes from being prepared, whether winning or losing. Building confidence doesn't happen overnight.

Dr. Carol Dweck, in her book 'Mindset,” says there are two types of mindsets when it comes to performance - fixed and growth. Those with fixed mindsets may judge situations in terms of how they reflect upon their own ability. If you do badly on a test, you are not smart, for example. These individuals rarely challenge themselves.

People with a growth mind-set see challenges as an exciting part of learning and occasional failures is part of success. They pick themselves back up and try again. Dweck found adults can instill a fixed mind-set in children by praising them in wrong ways.

In a test of 400 fifth-graders, she found praising children for their intelligence instead of their effort was more detrimental.

John O'Sullivan, author of 'Changing the Game,” gives several 'action” steps for developing confidence in young athletes.

- Take a good hard look at your child in training and competition, and ask yourself 'does my child display confidence, or is he/she scared?”

- Look for opportunities to give your child more control over the athletic process, thus displaying your trust, which helps build confidence.

- Don't always intervene when the child is failing. Let it happen, then discuss the reasons for the outcome, such as lack of preparation, lack of focus, etc.

- Keep your attention and your child on the process and the controllable things and look for ways to measure improvement.

- Praise effort. Positive Coaching Alliance believes in five comments of praise to every one comment of constructive criticism.

- Try not to over praise or praise sarcastically.

- Do not compare your child to others.

- Display your love no matter what.

l Tell us what you think by emailing Justis at njustis@cfu.net.