How to handle a youth sports coach favoring their child over other players

It’s no surprise that many youth sport coaches are a parent of one of the players.

There are a multitude of reasons for this, the least of which is it is difficult to find youth coaches and because parents hope to advance their own child’s sport “career.”

The latter reason can lead to “Daddy Ball,” a term used to describe a parent of a player on the team who seems to be favoring their own child over other players. I’m sure many have seen this because the situation is not uncommon.

I have seen it happen myself.

Unfortunately, “Daddy Ball” can divide the team and players, causing a nightmare for the parents and players involved. Youth sports should be a time for fun, development and growth of the entire team.

John Orr, founder of Sports Reclamation Project, in his recent blog lists several Dos and Don’ts of “Daddy Ball.”

1. Treat it as a learning experience. “We know life is not fair, and that there will be times when the politics of life affect us negatively. While it is important that we empathize with our athletes’ situation, we as parents need to help them understand that things like this will always be part of life, and it is better for them to accept it and learn to work through it than quit or become angry over something they cannot control.”

2. Advocate and teach your athlete to advocate, not attack. “I have heard countless athletes talk about how coach never gave them a chance … I often wonder and want to ask, ‘Did you advocate for yourself?’ Approach the coach privately and in a respectful manner, ask what you can or need to do to earn more playing time … DO NOT ARGUE … thank the coach for their time and move on. Parents, if you feel your athlete is too young for this approach, (speak to) the coach privately or even better with your athlete to model the proper way to have this discussion. Address your concerns and desires for playing time. DO NOT ARGUE. Do not go into attack mode about the unfair treatment and perceived injustices. Use this meeting as a way to clear the air and understand why your athlete is not playing and what can be done about it … treat it as a learning experience and encourage your athlete to get better, not bitter.”

3. Don’t complain or criticize teammates’ ability or playing time. “It is never wise to tear down your athletes’ teammates to build your own athlete. It is also important to avoid statements such as, ‘Jenny only plays because she is the coach’s daughter’s best friend.’ ... even if true (these statements) do not provide your athlete with the resilience and attitude needed to learn and grow in a situation of perceived injustice. They provide reasons for your athlete to become bitter, not better, and halt their own development.”

4. Avoid parental drama. “When it comes to youth sports, ESPECIALLY recreational youth sports, it seems as if every parent is an expert, yet for some reason there is still a shortage of volunteer coaches. In situations like this when, combined with ‘Daddy Ball,’ the recipe for parental drama is complete. In a world where those who cannot or will not are often the loudest, most vocal critics, this is the time to refrain from piling on. Advocate for your child privately and encourage them to do so as well … when it comes to complaining with the other parents, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT … Parental drama is unfortunately inevitable in situations like (this) but that does not mean you need to contribute. Focus on your child and use these opportunities to maximize their learning experience.”

Keeping your mouth shut is not easy. But in the long run, your child will come to understand the track you took and will be better off for it. Children develop at different rates and your son or daughter may turn out to be one of the most important links on the team, whether athletically or in support of his or her teammates.

Nancy Justis is a former competitive swimmer and college sports information director. She is a partner with Justis Creative Communications and the founder of Iowa Youth Sports Initiative. Contact her at najustis120150@gmail.com