Iowa should clock the Minutemen in about a minute, man, but at a hefty price

They call them “guarantee games,” and they truly are that.

They are as common in college football as TV timeouts. You pay a team from a lesser conference or lower division to come to your place, you guarantee them a big payday, and you’re guaranteed a victory unless you grossly botch the game.

In the case of Massachusetts Saturday night, that guarantee is $1.7 million for playing at Iowa and absorbing what should be a one-sided defeat. Oddsmakers didn’t make the Hawkeyes a 35-point favorite because they expect an actual competition.

That money helps keep the UMass athletic department bobbing along, while Iowa gets a win to puff up its record and a home gate. It’s a sellout, which suggests a battle between foxes and hens would draw well here, too.

Buy games abound in September. Ohio is getting $1.9 million to play at Ohio State Saturday. That’s a lot of money. Unless you’re Ohio State, which pays defensive coordinator Matt Patricia $2.5 million per year.

The Buckeyes gave Grambling State a mere $1 million for their game in Columbus last week. Ohio State squeaked out a 70-0 win.

It’s relatively rare, but the team getting the paycheck occasionally also goes home with an upset. Army received $1.175 million to play at Kansas State last Saturday, and rallied for a 24-21 victory as a 17.5-point underdog.

Far more common were these scores from last week’s guarantee games:

Minnesota 66, Northwestern State 0

Nebraska 68, Akron 0

Alabama 73, UL Monroe 0

Buy games are in basketball, too, though the prices are smaller. The Iowa men’s basketball team opens its coming season with a home contest against Robert Morris. That’s more than a bit ironic since the Hawkeyes grabbed Robert Morris player Álvaro Folgueiras from the NCAA transfer portal in April.

The UMass-Iowa football game was scheduled in 2020. Iowa can claim that for all it knew, the Minutemen would become a prominent football team by the time they got to Iowa City. Sure, and in 2030 a 2-year-old today could become a teenager.

When Iowa scheduled UMass, the Minutemen had never finished better than 4-8 since moving up to FBS in 2012. They still haven’t.

It’s a little funny that Iowa will stage the huge production of a football game only to have it start fading from memory five minutes after it’s over. Also, it’s kind of funny that Iowa’s making its biggest payout of the year for a game in which you can buy tickets online for half of their face value.

In an ideal world, all games would be at least somewhat compelling before they start and seven-figure chunks of cash would find better homes. The world, for those who haven’t been paying close attention, isn’t perfect. It’s fun to pretend, though, so let’s consider how $1.7 million could otherwise be spent.

Besides renting another quarterback out of the transfer portal next winter, that is.

“Last spring, our grants committee funded 40 grant applications from area nonprofits,” said Karla Twedt-Ball, the president/CEO of the Greater Cedar Rapids Community Foundation, “but had to turn down 48 good grant requests from area nonprofits due to lack of funding.

“($1.7 million) would allow us to fund all of these applications, with $600,000 left over! These projects would have supported a wide range of community needs such as performing and visual arts, housing and human service needs, animal welfare, health, and educational programming.”

The Community Foundation funds about 100 college scholarships each year. It also launched Stand Up for Peace, a community collaborative to reduce gun violence.

OK, we know how real life works, and a football program dropping a guarantee game a year wouldn’t lead to a nickel going toward the public good. Hey, a boy can dream. Bravo to the Community Foundation, by the way.

Meanwhile, UMass will spend about one-fifth of its check from Iowa on its payment of $325,000 to FCS school Bryant for playing at UMass last Saturday.

Bryant won that game, 27-26. Sometimes, you really can have it all. Unless you’re the Minutemen, who are advised to take the money and run.

Comments: (319) 398-8440; mike.hlas@thegazette.com