State of Mind: the difficulty and strength of forgiveness

It’s inevitable that we will all wrong others and be wronged from time to time, whether in big ways or small, deliberately or unintentionally. It’s in how we choose to respond to the times we’re hurt that can play a significant role in our overall well-being.

Whether it’s offered to another or allowed for oneself, forgiveness remains a complex and difficult art, which makes Sept. 1 — National Forgiveness Day — a great time to explore the practice of forgiving.

When someone is hurt, they might experience a range of feelings such as anger, sadness, confusion, betrayal, resentment or hatred. They may even hold grudges for long periods of time.

At a fundamental level, the concept of forgiveness is about choosing to let go of those negative emotions toward someone that has hurt or offended us. It’s important to note that this does not equate to ignoring or forgetting the actions themselves. In other words, choosing to forgive does not mean resigning to excuse or accept inappropriate, destructive, offensive or abusive behaviors. In fact, the act of forgiving can and often should be an entirely separate decision from whether you intend to rebuild the relationship with the other person.

Therein lies both the difficulty and the strength of forgiveness. While it might offer some reprieve for the other person, forgiveness is a choice that is made by you, for you. It’s about choosing to move on in your life with hope and peace rather than getting stuck in cycles of anger and resentment.

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Struggling to forgive and holding grudges has been shown to negatively impact life and relationship satisfaction, and lead to both mental and physical health problems. Conversely, practicing forgiveness brings benefits like increased self-esteem, improved heart health and immune system functioning, and reduced stress, anxiety and depression.

This all begs the question: if it’s so clearly worth it and yet often difficult to actually do, how do we go about learning to forgive?

Perhaps the most important step is the intentionality of the decision itself. In making that choice, however, it’s critical to allow yourself to feel your emotions and recognize the ways in which the hurt has affected you.

Identifying the specific actions you’re choosing to forgive and why can provide clarity. It can be effective to practice empathy by considering the other person’s perspectives as to why they may have said or done certain things, whether right or wrong. At the same time, setting aside expectations such as awaiting an apology that may not come or may not be verbalized in a way you’d prefer may be helpful.

In following through on forgiveness, you may choose to verbalize it to the other person or even write it down, either for them or simply for yourself. Particularly in some situations, it might be valuable to talk with a trusted professional as you work through the process.

Lastly, while the discussion on forgiveness typically focuses on situations that involve another person, the reality is — at least occasionally — that the very person we need to forgive most is ourselves. Whether because of decisions or mistakes we’ve made, the risks of holding onto negative feelings and the benefits of forgiving remain true, even if the battle exists entirely internally. This makes it imperative that we not only commit to forgiving others, but choose to offer ourselves the same compassion.

Ultimately, forgiveness is not a passive endeavor, but rather a deliberate choice and intentional action. Perhaps National Forgiveness Day is the perfect opportunity to take account of the negative feelings you might be holding onto and embrace the transformative power of forgiveness.