Family Matter: What the stories we tell about our relationships really mean

When people come into my therapy office, I typically never believe the stories they tell me. That’s not to say I don’t pay attention or think that what they have to say isn’t important. Rather, the reason I don’t believe them is because typically when people describe the issues they have in their relationship, they describe them based on what they want to keep the same.

This isn’t always a bad thing. Research has shown that if a couple tells the story of how they met in positive terms, they are more likely to stay together than couples who describe it in a neutral or negative way. Having fond memories of how you met your partner often reflects how you feel about them now.

It can be a bad thing when the stories about our relationships are used to keep alive negative patterns, or keep people stuck in roles that no longer fit. If you think about your family members, you probably have stories about each of them that you share. It may be a favorite anecdote about growing up, or it may be something that this person “always” does. It may be a family legend that reflects what your family is or was, or it may be a story that helps keep a secret.

Though we typically tell these stories with good intentions we often don’t think about what we are trying to keep the same in our relationships and how keeping things the same can damage those relationships. Relationships require growth and stories don’t often allow for that. The best stories and the best relationships are constantly changing.

To create new and better flexible stories requires two things. First, we need to examine the old stories and see if we are painting people we love into boxes that no longer fit. We need to see if how we think about and see them now reflects their current life. We need to ask them about how they remember those stories and how they feel about them now.

Then, we need to create new stories. This is often done by spending time with people we love doing things they love now. It means engaging in conversations and activities that help us learn more about them and our relationships with them. It means sharing experiences that create emotional connections that are shared as new stories.

When we do this, we no longer hold onto the past of the relationship, or try and keep things the same. We can begin to see our relationships, ourselves, and the people we love for who they are not, and not for who we want them to be. As we do this, we are better able to have stories that change across time rather than getting us stuck in roles that no longer fit. And we are better able to allow for space for growth in our relationships that allows for continued connection with the people we love.

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Jacob Priest is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a professor in the University of Iowa College of Education. He is also the co-host of the Attached Podcast. Comments: priestjb@gmail.com.